It is What it Is.

As I was reminded yesterday, "In life we have many chapters." For some reason I find comfort in comparing my life to non life- and as I typed that I realized that I've compared my life before to books, to chapters, caterpillars, and to butterflies-- all of which are a form of life --fantasy or real-- all of which are things that have "chapters" or natural progression. After having my eye on a new book, the first thing I do is smell it, feel it, flip through it. After reading it sometime- I progress- chapter by chapter. It doesn't necessarily mean I can't go back to a previous one. As does everyone else, when I read a novel, I read chronologically, then when I pick up on a theme I'll go back and re-read that theme into a previously read chapter- searching for the hints and clues. It's my style. I like to be able to deconstruct things. I habitually over-analyze my thoughts so I can be sure of myself. I like to be able to go back and see things the second time that I didn't the first. Sometimes new chapters can be scary. You aren't really sure how the book will end- where it will turn, when it will stop, why it continues- but what I do know is this- you can't put it down. You aren't done until you are done. It takes up your energy, your time, and all the quiet in your mind fills up. You might even check out other novels by that author since you like their style. You get "stuck." Your focus on one thing makes everything else in your life unfocused. I was later reminded yesterday that those feelings are "organized chaos"- to make it easy on yourself, go with the confusion; it "comfortable-uncomfortableness" Even though you don't understand it--love it (it isn't permanent) -- it's organized chaos.

Sweet Sounds of Silence

I walked in. I was crying for her; she was crying for me. It was a heart felt moment. Something I had never gone through. This moment will be in my top 5 all time memorable moments of my life. As I stood outside of Room 319, I heard screams, then crying, and then... He was here; M_____. I had been preparing myself for my best friend to have her baby, for nearly 10 months...but nothing can prepare you for the feeling of LIFE. Nothing can describe the feeling in my heart as I walked in the room and looked. She was there, holding her new, perfect baby. When I looked into my best friends eyes, I could read her heart. It was 30 seconds of unspoken tears that connected us. 30 seconds of looking into each other, without saying one word, but clearly speaking to one another. It was 30 seconds of happiness and 30 seconds of sadness. It was 30 seconds of a feeling I have never felt before. It was 30 seconds of feeling like we were the only two in the room sharing this moment. My best friend had just had her baby boy. Of course every fiber of my being was excited. But in that very moment...she was crying and I was crying. I felt like we could read each other's minds. I felt like she was saying, "I am so relieved he is finally here. I know how much you want a baby and I love you for being here today to hear him when he took his first breath- you will have this moment in your life one day, I know it-- I am scared to death to be a mom, and I love you as a friend so very much. I am sorry you are hurting within your happiness." And I was saying, "I am so relieved he is here! You have just brought this new, beautiful boy to life and you are going to be a wonderful mother. I know you love him with all your being and I am so excited for you. I am scared to death that one day I won't get to feel how it feels to become a mother I love you as a friend , so very much. I am sorry you had to endure so much pain today." The unspoken tears of that moment were indescribable. It is a feeling that another friend calls, "happy-sad" a feeling that is confusing. Worries and wonders filled up my head and although I tried to drain them, my drain was clogged. What happens when your drain is clogged? Nothing will go down. Nothing is settled even though every fiber of your being wants them to drain. Your head and your heart are confused, and the feeling is somewhere lodged "in your throat" as another friend describes. The feeling of being to scared to tell God how you really feel, makes you sick at your stomach. And I dream of it leaving. I have compared it many times before to a "partly cloudy day" it seems on those days the sun can never make up its mind- does it want to shine like it should, or hide behind a comfy cloud? I love my friend. I love M_____. But this new experience has my feelings in my heart and in my brain all confused! One day, I'll figure it out. Until then, I have a friend with a new baby and I am going to enjoy every minute of it, even if the Devil tries to clog my drain. M____ was 8lbs 12 oz 21 inches long. He is a spitting image of his daddy (except for that nose, which is his Momma's) and will be FOREVER a part of my life. More pictures to come, unfortunately I haven't gotten to hold him but for about 3 minutes because y'all know how babies are: feed, sleep, poop- repeat! Hopefully soon I can "get my baby fix!"

GIRL! Let Me Tell You!

• Okay peeps. Let me TELL you what ticked me off this weekend. Well, first off- I will NEVER, NEVER, never go to Chili's Bar & Grill -- EVER again (in my entire life). Conveniently Hubbs and I have a Chili's about 5-6 miles from where we live, and we used to go often and haven't been since I started WW. So, Saturday after weigh in, I hadn't seen the hubbs in a few days due to work and we decided to go there.
• Yea.....ummmm have you ever seen their Nutrition Facts? Why don't you go ahead and look up what you would normally eat at Chili's and you probably WILL NEVER go back! click here:
• http://www.chilis.com/en/nutritional%20information/chilis_nutrition_menu_generic.pdf
• So. I know on WW that you must PLAN to be successful, however we went on a whim and I decided to order the big mouth bites- (mini cheese burgers) so....yea- THANK GOD I only ate 1/2 (2 small burgers)! According to the nutrition facts, an entire plate with ranch-- which I didn't have, and (I don't know if the fries were counted in the points value) but it was all 50 points and look at the FAT in all of their items! YES 4 burgers fries included, again I am not sure, but it came to 50 points! W.O.W.
• I ate 2 without ranch and no FF. I counted the two burgers for 20 points. DO YOU KNOW WHAT I COULD EAT FOR 20????? HELLO!!! So, Girl, let me tell YOU~ and anybody else out there reading my blog-- STAY THE HECK away from Chili's Bar & Grill.

I Love the 80's-- WW update

• Whoop Whoop! That's right people--- I am offically in the 180s! I reached my goal of 188 this week. Here is what worked this week:
• FIRST : I set goals and wrote them on the refrigerator--- Last week I weighed in at 191.6- so this week I decided to PUSH myself and set the goal of 188. I didnt care if it was 188.9 (if it said 188 on the scale I was going to get a pedicure this weekend) I weighed in on Friday just to see, and sure enough- 188.8- so lets see if I can continue to drop!
• SECOND: I exercised- almost every day--- including the walking I'm going to do tonight, I will have exercised 6 days this week- AND THAT'S GREAT!
• THIRD: I made a promse to myself that I would only eat 1/2 of my 49 FLEX points (infact, I have 29 flex points left and 20 activity points) So I did BETTER than what I promised.

• FOURTH- I took my Metformin EVERY DAY :)
• Overall, I was more concious of my eating habits. If I splurged at lunch, then I ate Special K for dinner. If I was hungry, I asked myself the age old WW question, "Could you eat a can a green beans?" If the answer was YES, then I ate what I wanted. I also lived by this Bethenney Frankel Quote--"You can have it all, just not all at once."

10 days of learning

So far I have been eating Weight Watcher style for 10 days. I started March 21st. I am very proud of myself for what I have accomplished. In the past, I would never recognize any accomplishments, be it cooking dinner or folding clothes after a long day at work. But I believe it is necessary to "pat yourself on the back." I realized this today: when the one thing that bothers me the most about me is out of control, everything is out of control. This week I learned that sometimes we have blockages in our lives. If you have a blockage in your life (like most people do) it hinders you from being at your full potential. My blockage is my weight- which causes a chain of other "enablers." This month I noticed that I got more things done and accomplished "small things" cleaning up the kitchen every day, paying bills on time, staying on top of my spending, being more organized with laundry, eating for my health more than eating for my depression. This all make me very happy. As Me Month comes to an end- I challenge you to find the blockage in you life--- one step at at time, the blockage starts to disappear. Have a great day all of you! Speaking of blockages, I have set aside my weekly flex points for ww--- I have chosen to block my arteries on Saturday, Cody and I are going to the fair and I am having a donut burger- (yes, a cheeseburger with two glazed donuts as the bun!) It makes me smile! 23 points of bliss!

All Aboard! Journey 55--- Next stop, Skinnyville USA

Well, I am back on the band-wagon! It's officially my "first day" of Spring Break... and if I don't stop right now and congratulate myself, I will never give myself credit. SO! I got a TON done today- cleaned and organized my house, went to the grocery store, cooked dinner and dessert, cleaned up the kitchen from dinner, balanced my checking account with my hubby and paid bills, and folded clothes, washed clothes, folded clothes! I think I am mighty powerful as a "stay at home wife" (well, on SB and in the summer time anyway!) Go me! Oh, I forgot to mention the most important thing I did today- I started Journey 55. It is my 55 pound journey to weight loss, and I am doing it with the help of Weight Watchers. What better time to join online than now, you get TWO free weeks and after the $55.00 that I paid to start this 55 pound process, a mere $17.95 a month is NOTHING! I am pumped. Not as excited as I have been in the past about starting a diet, but more open-minded, which is probably a good thing--I was sick for so long, that I feel I wasted time, so now I am beyond ready to start feeling better again like I did in January (I know--long time to be sick huh?) I have a real good feeling about starting this healthy eating plan. I have been "dieting" long enough in my life to know that WW is pretty easily adapted to ANY life style and is the most convenient eating plan for life- so with small changes, a WW buddy at work (Gina) and a WW buddy at home (My Mom) a WW buddy on blog spot (Brandi) I should be held accountable wherever I go. Soon I will have another WW buddy- my girlfriend, Steph, but we must wait until baby Mason arrives in April before she can start! So with 3 and almost 4 WW buddies- This journey will be more like a girls trip to Skinny-ville and I am looking forward to it! Peace out- Annie B

SPRINGing back into the swing of things...

• Spring has sprung! I know you all have been wondering if I fell off the face of the Earth, and well, I kind of did! I was very sick for about 6 weeks. I couldn't get over it! Major Sinus infection, which was causing some pretty bad coughing. I was at home for about 12-15 days trying to get better. I went to the doctor 3 times and finally was referred to the E-N-T for allergies and a blocked sinus cavity! I am finally better but realized, "Hey! I've wasted so much time being sick, I haven't done anything productive. For starters, I lost about 5 pounds, just from being sick- but other than that, I didn't lose any weight. Then I was on so much medication that I didn't really eat regularly, so guess what...I didn't take my Metformin. BOOOO! Bad Annie! Last but not least... I didn't work out at all! Now I'm playing catch up and I am so busy getting my house back to normal and my work stuff done, that I am too tired! But there is hope---
• As you might know, I am a teacher and next week is SPRING BREAK! WoooOO HooOOOoo!

• So, I'm taking my days next week to relax and get back into the SPRING of things :0)

• I have got to start walking and eating better. I have to get back on my meds. I always ask myself, "Is it that you don't want a baby?" "No? WELL GET TO WORK MISSY"! After some quiet time this week, I realized what is stopping me....fear (shhhh) I said it in tiny words because I don't want fear to know that it has got the "best of me."If I lose weight guess what has to happen next, every thing that I have been wanting so long. It is kind of like this-
• Is losing weight and getting healthy a choice, or a chore? It is a CHOICE! It isn't like unloading the dishwasher, it isn't like paying the electric bill, it isn't like going grocery shopping. It isn't a chore. It is a choice. And right now, I am deliberately choosing to waste my time because I am scared of failing. I am dedicated enough to finish school and teach 125 10th graders in an inner city school. I am brave enough to live in the same town in which the school I was working at slung my name through the mud when I was innocent. I have enough power to not be ashamed to go to counseling and talk about my problems with people that might one day judge me, so why in the HELL am I scared to lose 10,20,30, Heck 60 pounds? Because it is a choice, but it is a choice to do something I've never EVER done.
• I am so cyclical. I say I am going to do something, I get motivated, then I find excuses when I am stressed or tired. I am A-D-D to my own life. My mom was joking with me the other day saying "You can only focus on one thing at a time, lose weight or work--- but you can't do both." Even though she was joking- SHE WAS RIGHT! I spread myself SO thin to work and relationships, and going and going and going, church, and family, and LIFE that I put ME on the back-burner.
• So, last week I decided it was ME MONTH- Hell, Me YEAR! As the next thing to sign up for at church came up, I didn't sign up. And as this or that friend called to ask me to do something I declined. As I continued to leave work with my "glass empty" I decided that my husband deserved getting some of my energy every night too, so I started leaving with it "half empty."(baby steps)
• I'm taking some "chill time" right now. My teaching partner and I are kicking off the return of Spring Break with Weight Watchers---slow and steady wins the race! I think I am going to start during spring break just to get me feeling better...(she can not, she will be at Disney World!) So, I'm spending some good ol' quality time with Annie B. Ill be checking in soon! I hope all is well with you-- even though I haven't been blogging, I've been a blog stalker and I have been checking in with you!