14 hours ago
Sweet Sounds of Silence
I walked in. I was crying for her; she was crying for me. It was a heart felt moment. Something I had never gone through. This moment will be in my top 5 all time memorable moments of my life. As I stood outside of Room 319, I heard screams, then crying, and then... He was here; M_____. I had been preparing myself for my best friend to have her baby, for nearly 10 months...but nothing can prepare you for the feeling of LIFE. Nothing can describe the feeling in my heart as I walked in the room and looked. She was there, holding her new, perfect baby. When I looked into my best friends eyes, I could read her heart. It was 30 seconds of unspoken tears that connected us. 30 seconds of looking into each other, without saying one word, but clearly speaking to one another. It was 30 seconds of happiness and 30 seconds of sadness. It was 30 seconds of a feeling I have never felt before. It was 30 seconds of feeling like we were the only two in the room sharing this moment. My best friend had just had her baby boy. Of course every fiber of my being was excited. But in that very moment...she was crying and I was crying. I felt like we could read each other's minds. I felt like she was saying, "I am so relieved he is finally here. I know how much you want a baby and I love you for being here today to hear him when he took his first breath- you will have this moment in your life one day, I know it-- I am scared to death to be a mom, and I love you as a friend so very much. I am sorry you are hurting within your happiness." And I was saying, "I am so relieved he is here! You have just brought this new, beautiful boy to life and you are going to be a wonderful mother. I know you love him with all your being and I am so excited for you. I am scared to death that one day I won't get to feel how it feels to become a mother I love you as a friend , so very much. I am sorry you had to endure so much pain today." The unspoken tears of that moment were indescribable. It is a feeling that another friend calls, "happy-sad" a feeling that is confusing. Worries and wonders filled up my head and although I tried to drain them, my drain was clogged. What happens when your drain is clogged? Nothing will go down. Nothing is settled even though every fiber of your being wants them to drain. Your head and your heart are confused, and the feeling is somewhere lodged "in your throat" as another friend describes. The feeling of being to scared to tell God how you really feel, makes you sick at your stomach. And I dream of it leaving. I have compared it many times before to a "partly cloudy day" it seems on those days the sun can never make up its mind- does it want to shine like it should, or hide behind a comfy cloud? I love my friend. I love M_____. But this new experience has my feelings in my heart and in my brain all confused! One day, I'll figure it out. Until then, I have a friend with a new baby and I am going to enjoy every minute of it, even if the Devil tries to clog my drain. M____ was 8lbs 12 oz 21 inches long. He is a spitting image of his daddy (except for that nose, which is his Momma's) and will be FOREVER a part of my life. More pictures to come, unfortunately I haven't gotten to hold him but for about 3 minutes because y'all know how babies are: feed, sleep, poop- repeat! Hopefully soon I can "get my baby fix!"