Infertility Awareness Week

April 22-28 is National Infertility Awareness Week. I hope you'll join me and many others this week as we try to help raise awareness for infertility.

It’s here. National Infertility Awareness Week and I have been battling with my feelings all month. The truth is—I have been battling with my infertility voice on my blog too. This last cycle we were pretty convinced we were pregnant. I had implantation bleeding, and all of the simptoms, even a late period. I was dreaming of a December baby that I always wanted, but she didn't show up. Instead her aunt came a week later. After this devistation, I hit my wall, hard. So many days I have wanted to write about something, but for fear of offending someone with the ugliness of infertility- I didn’t. I’ve remained silent for a month and I'm finding some strength now to say how it really feels to be infertile. I'm sorry if you read this and get offended; it is probably because you aren’t me (well, duh you aren't me, but you know what I am saying) and you don’t know how I feel. Infertility is a silent disease that no one talks about—but today, we are talking about it. This week, we are talking about it. I don’t ride roller-coasters, but I'm on this one. I wanted to share with you all my roller-coaster feelings on what I deal with the majority of the time. I want to share with you that if you don’t think you know anyone who struggles, you do. You or someone you know is affected by infertility. They go to sleep most nights in tears, they hold back what they want to say all of the time, they have a lot of feelings that cannot be explained. So, here goes:

What might go through someone’s mind that is infertile?

• I am garbage, damaged goods- if I can’t function as a woman, why would my husband want me?
• I don’t know why I feel like crap today, but I do. And if one more person announces on face book that they are expecting, I might lose it!
• I'm so happy that ______ is expecting; I'm so angry that I'm not. I'm so angry that I'm just going to give up. Why can’t I catch a BREAK? I have been trying for twice as long as she?
• I have no friends. Everyone is busy with their children. I stop everything I am doing for them and their children, but does anyone do that for me? Right then, when I need it most? I'm going to just start pulling back and keeping things inside.
• Please don’t ask me, please don’t ask me, and please don’t ask me- about why I have been married for nearly 6 years and “So, do y'all not want kids, or what? It’s about that time? Why haven’t y'all had them yet?” I mean, first of all, whose business is that of yours? I’ve seen you twice in like 5 years- WHAT I would like to tell you is all the money we have spent trying to conceive, all the doctors’ appointments we have been to, and all of the tears I have shed.
• What should we "do" next? What does my husband really think about me crying all of the time?
• I don't want to take the shots and the hormones and throw-up to find a negative pregnancy test in the end.
• I know you think IVF is the way to go, but unfortunately, I don't believe in it- and I cannot take that 25,000 dollar chance because I am not rich.
• I know you know someone who knows someone who got pregnant after adoption, but life isn't about magic spells, and that is not what I hope to do, just so that my life turns out like that?
• No, I'm sorry, I cannot bear to go to another baby shower where I everyone is pregnant except me and the mother of the expectant.
• No, I'm not pregnant, just bloated because I'm on medication that does that to me and I just had a wand up me for 30 minutes.
• I can't drink, I might be pregnant.
• I can't go to the gym, my blastocyst might be traveling right now.
• I think I will find other things to do than worry about this (I mean, you can only re-organize your cabinets so many times- so thank goodness my parents are paying for my graduate degree)
• I totally don't understand, I'm not a parent, I am sure you are busy- (welcome to everyone else's life)
• I want to drive to the beach, cry all day, scream as loud as possible, then drive home.
• I am not sure I can plaster a smile on one more day!
• I'm kind of glad I don't have kids today, so I can sleep in.
• Who loves damaged goods?
• How can all these people get pregnant, and I am constantly faithful with nothing in return.
• I have it all planned out, how I am going to tell my husband, family, friends, and co-workers-- It hurts when what I want to happen, never does.
• If all of my blood work shows that I should be pregnant, why am I still not? I don't think I can bare this type of cycle again.

What might someone do along their infertile journey?

Now What? How can others help, and not hurt (because they really do not mean to)

Infertility can spur up very ill feelings. Most of the time, you have to understand, they are uncontrollable feelings that make you sick to think about even having, but the truth is, when you have the desire to be a parent and you cannot possibly achieve it, it seems like the entire world is on pause. Most don’t get it and say hurtful things that they don't mean. Some people try to get it, but they don’t or forget about your pain, when they are successful on the journey. Few people actually get it. I have put up some links, and I hope that you will visit them!

For help with those infertile ladies in your life, click here

For help with infertility and to read other people’s journey, click here

Before posting today This blogger had stolen my words in beautiful way. Check her out. She is really great!

I'm leaving you with my feelings wrapped up in this video...

Thank God for Husbands

Whine Whine Whine. I was doing a lot of that last week. (It would have helped if I was doing more wine, wine, wine, but I was too lazy to buy a bottle). When I came home Friday, I asked Cody late that night if he had read my blog. He didn't say much. It wasn't that he didn't appreciate my writing, he was just thinking of what exactly to say to me. When I woke up on Saturday to feed our dogs who demand to eat at 6:00 am- No. MATTER. WHAT. I crawled back into bed to some scholarly words of wisdom from my husband. He said. Babe, I know you feel "stuck" sometimes, but think of our situation this way: God thinks you and I are so special, he is giving US time to be where we NEED to be to be good parents. He thinks so much of us and loves us for our devotion to him, that he has given us a grace that most couples would love to have. He said that God is giving us time to get healthy, and financially sound--- get our "act together" before he gives us more to handle and the ball is in our court. He is trusting us to get it together! He is giving us time to get our marriage back on the same page. That is all he had to say. It was like someone waved a magic wand over me and I "got it." It all made sense. I am so thankful that he waited to say the right thing. I am so happy that he told me that. Because even though I had already thought of that in my head, it just made more sense coming from him. So, after that conversation and some much needed time for myself this weekend, I am feeling ON TOP OF THE WORLD! Happy Monday y'all.

What IS up?

What has been up with me lately? Nothing. I find that I spend most of my life, with zero changes on my end, living through the events of other people. It's is like Groundhog Day all of the time, with random events of others sprinkled in accordingly. It seems that everyday is the same. I get ready, head to work, teach, eat lunch in A3, teach, go home, occasionally workout, and it is a tossup between the last: church, dinner out, or home in a vegetative state with hubby. My life has no IT factor. There isn't anything exciting going on over here. What I have noticed though is that it seems excitement is always going on in the lives of others. I sometimes find myself saying... (whining) “Life isn’t fair for me.” I find myself whining all of the time and then when I catch myself I figuratively slap myself in the face with “Thank you God for all of the gifts you have bestowed upon my life, I am sorry for the unjust comments to you. Thank you for my Church, family, friends, job, knowledge, health, abilities, and the love you have for me, but.” Sometimes I say “but…” and sometimes I don’t. I feel sometimes like I am just “along for the ride” in everyone else’s life because my car is broken down. Imagine that for just a minute. Literally. When your car is broken down and you rely on others to bring you from one place to another, you feel a sense of helplessness. Now, imagine your car being broken down for years. Every morning you wait for someone to pick you for work and take you home. It is beyond frustrating. Figuratively in life, when your car is broken down, it is like you have no life, no voice, and no “take off.” Every day is mundane and you rely on the excitement in everyone else to take you to that that place as well. I find myself always in PAUSE at all times, I am always waiting in the wings of everyone else’s show. I know in the back of my brain, I am supposed to continue life as I know it, but it seems there is nothing really to do. I mean, really. Imagine. Your life. With your car. Broken down. For years. How would you feel? My favorite lyric to Dream, by Priscilla Ahn is “I asked God who I'm supposed to be. The stars smiled down on me, God answered in silent reverie. I said a prayer and fell asleep.” Press play and enjoy the song. Have a great weekend y’all!

Today is a New Day!

Today is a new day. It is time to answer the call and become the best version of yourself. I really liked the part of the video where Chrystalina talks about putting God off until a later time. Now is the time. We are not called to be perfect, we are called to be faithful, even when we don't FEEL like it. I am not on a soap box, believe me. I take this video as my own advice. But I can tell you this. With out my faith in God, my journey with infertility, my martial issues, broken friendships, and a stressful job would be much more difficult to overcome and bear if I didn't know he was carrying me. My strength literally comes from him. When I am broken it does't matter how many cupcakes I eat- I need to drive myself to adoration, lay prostrate on the floor and hand it to him. I continue my faith and walk with God even when I am mad or disappointed, when I am afraid and when I am doubtful- and I am those many many days. It is the one constant in my life, and it can be yours too.

Be Patient...God's Timing is Always Perfect

So Saturday, I was again, home in a quiet house- nothing to do and guess who showed up? Remember my post about great aunt depression- yea...she came back. Y'all, it's like sometimes I just can't SHAKE IT OFF! I want to so bad, but I can't. Until you are in my shoes, you can't fathom what it is like. It seems that what I am going through, I would be used to by now, almost "over it" but I am not. Being infertile makes you constantly feel like you aren't good enough. It makes you evaluate and analyze every part of your life, not just your ovaries! It makes you re-look at who you are and what you have done with the life God has given you. It makes you bitter at the times that you don't want to be! I could tell you that so many times I have wanted to be truly happy and joyous in the past months, but I. Just. Couldn't. From my perspective, people seem to then not know what to do. It seems the more you struggle with infertility... the further and further people move away from you. Is it because they are tired of listening to you "whine"? Is it because they don't have time to help you because they actually have a life and things to do because they have children? I don't know. I really don't know. What I do know is, it's that infertility is an awkward and lonely disease. There are several angels in my life that have gone through this and are still going through this. They have really been there for me during this time. Last year, I thought I would never get to the point where certain things bothered me about being infertile, but now, they do. It's an uncontrollable life changing situation that I have to learn to be patient with. This weekend was depressing for me. After I went to confession and spent some time at adoration praying and praying, not for me, rather for others that I "envy" I left and went to visit my mom. There, she had a gift for me. Her very good friend, my second mother, "Ms. Carol" had brought a gift to me. The letter inside of the envelope was a story about her neighbor and her struggle with PCOS and infertility. She tried many years to get pregnant and to carry a baby to term. I do not know much, but I do know Ms. Carol was over visiting her NEW BORN! She got to talking and the neighbor shared her story of PCOS and her struggle. Ms. Carol shared mine. The lady left the room teary-eyed and brought back this: Her mother brought it for her during her struggle and she wore it daily to remind herself to "Be Patient. God's timing is always perfect". That is what is inscripted on the bracelet. She gave it to Ms. Carol to give to me! It was so special for me to get this after my hard day. I've been wearing it since and will continue to.

BUNCO and Delish Treats!

MMmmmmm! YUmmmm! That's what everyone was saying last night at my house! We had our monthly bunco gathering and it was my month to host! I racked my brain, but then came up with the Mardi Gras theme, and it was a BIG HIT! Cody made chicken, sausage, and shrimp Jambalaya-and we had salad and french bread to go with it! Everyone was pleased with dinner and hubby even had leftovers when he returned home! But the biggest hits of the night were two new recipes that I tried! One was a Chocolate Fondue- that I served with marshmallows, fruit, potato chips and pretzels! The best part about it was the Malibu Rum that was mixed in with the chocolate! I made it in my small crock pot and mmmm I was so glad to have leftovers! The other big hit was the Black-Eyed Pea Salsa. The next time I make it 1- I will make a double recipe because it was gone in 20 minutes and 2- I think I will add chunks of avocado to it! BOTH WERE FAB! I am so proud of myself for trying something new! It was really really good too! Of course our celebration would not have been complete with out a King Cake! We had a blast....hope you try out the recipes :)

Sinking into PCOS

I am really frustrated right now. I want to write a blog post, yet I don't. I know it is the PCOS-weight, depression and infertility. Why do I have PCOS? I mean, for 25 years of my life I was in normal weight range-- is it because I gained weight that I now have it? No-- I just don't get it! How does it all of a sudden sneak up? I am frustrated today. I am tired today. I look at myself and don't know where exactly I have gone. For 25 years of my life I never thought it would be a problem to have a baby- really? A baby-- millions of people do it blindly and on a whim-- they wave a magic wand and POOF it happens. They don't even understand how their body works and they can make a baby. I, on the other hand have to know every detailed number of every level of blood work and exactly at what rate the ovary will release and egg minus the number of hours it takes for sperm to travel to my fallopian tubes and at that very moment in time not be doing something off the wall like Zumba. I mean....REALLY? I see plenty of 16 year-old children that make babies two and three times having sex "once." So put that atop of being overweight and frustrated and you get an overweight depressed non functional woman-- Heck yes it takes a lot for me not to go off people. Maybe it is that I am not depressed, but mad. I am mad, yes. When I try to breathe through it or let it go, the overwhelming feelings circle around again. The carb-y foods I eat are my army. They work for me to kill off any ill feelings of baby wanting and skinny dreams. PCOS is like a vicious cycle. want a baby---can't have a baby---eat---too fat---depressed--eat---depressed--want a baby-------OVER AND OVER AND OVER again. I feel like I have the shortest attention span at eating well. I get so frustrated sometimes that it sets me into a depression. Then I don't prepare for my work week (pack lunches, cook dinners, chores, etc) then I eat out and gain weight- I feel bad and know that if I take the one medication that is supposed to help all of this I will be very ill because I haven't been eating clean for at lest 7-14 days. So you see, it is a horrible cycle. I finally met my wall with somethings lately and it has really really been draining me. Sometimes you think you are really strong, but you aren't. When you find out that you aren't you just want to hide under a rock until you can brave the world again. I ask myself, do other PCOS sufferers find it challenging to remember to take their medications? Do they go through this same cycle of depression? If all I have to do is eat healthy, be prepared, and take a medication to help myself lose weight at a normal rate of speed (1.5-2.0 pounds/week) then why can't I do it. I am frustrated today. Thanks for understanding! Encouragement and advice always needed :)