Sinking into PCOS

I am really frustrated right now. I want to write a blog post, yet I don't. I know it is the PCOS-weight, depression and infertility. Why do I have PCOS? I mean, for 25 years of my life I was in normal weight range-- is it because I gained weight that I now have it? No-- I just don't get it! How does it all of a sudden sneak up? I am frustrated today. I am tired today. I look at myself and don't know where exactly I have gone. For 25 years of my life I never thought it would be a problem to have a baby- really? A baby-- millions of people do it blindly and on a whim-- they wave a magic wand and POOF it happens. They don't even understand how their body works and they can make a baby. I, on the other hand have to know every detailed number of every level of blood work and exactly at what rate the ovary will release and egg minus the number of hours it takes for sperm to travel to my fallopian tubes and at that very moment in time not be doing something off the wall like Zumba. I mean....REALLY? I see plenty of 16 year-old children that make babies two and three times having sex "once." So put that atop of being overweight and frustrated and you get an overweight depressed non functional woman-- Heck yes it takes a lot for me not to go off people. Maybe it is that I am not depressed, but mad. I am mad, yes. When I try to breathe through it or let it go, the overwhelming feelings circle around again. The carb-y foods I eat are my army. They work for me to kill off any ill feelings of baby wanting and skinny dreams. PCOS is like a vicious cycle. want a baby---can't have a baby---eat---too fat---depressed--eat---depressed--want a baby-------OVER AND OVER AND OVER again. I feel like I have the shortest attention span at eating well. I get so frustrated sometimes that it sets me into a depression. Then I don't prepare for my work week (pack lunches, cook dinners, chores, etc) then I eat out and gain weight- I feel bad and know that if I take the one medication that is supposed to help all of this I will be very ill because I haven't been eating clean for at lest 7-14 days. So you see, it is a horrible cycle. I finally met my wall with somethings lately and it has really really been draining me. Sometimes you think you are really strong, but you aren't. When you find out that you aren't you just want to hide under a rock until you can brave the world again. I ask myself, do other PCOS sufferers find it challenging to remember to take their medications? Do they go through this same cycle of depression? If all I have to do is eat healthy, be prepared, and take a medication to help myself lose weight at a normal rate of speed (1.5-2.0 pounds/week) then why can't I do it. I am frustrated today. Thanks for understanding! Encouragement and advice always needed :)