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Life's Not Fair

Life is not fair. And somedays I want to stomp my feet and throw a fit. Sometimes I want to be selfish and cranky and throw a pity party -- hell, just throw my whole "fake positive self" out the window. Sometimes I want to be pouty all day long, be a kid again, live at home where my momma packs my lunch and does my laundry, and my dad fixes things. Can somwbody just make me a PB&J and bring me a Kleenex? 

Being overweight isn't easy and when I cheat on my diet my body takes days to adjust... I never learn that lesson- UGH! How can some people lose weight so quickly and I can't- I can't even go out once without gaining weight... I hate hormones and the fact that my body is basically dormant. 

Being infertile isn't easy and when other people get pregnant all the time- it's frustrating. At the end of the day you aren't mad at them, you are mad at your body for NEVER working. Never. Oh late, yeah.... not pregnant! Let's play the progesterone game to get you "normal" I'm going to throw a fit for a minute and I'm sorry if your don't like it. I'm just frustrated. 

One of the bloggers I follow, just adorable, got married and pregnant within a 2 month time period. She announced it the moment she peed on the stick. I'm all over here like--- ehhh be careful you're literally announcing it the day of your missed period (which is totally fine but scary at the same time)- totally up to her but I'm a "weird -play it safe" kind of gal. Then the unfortunate happened. She lost the baby. I was sad for her. It's painful to watch loss in others. She's never experienced loss or struggle with pregnancy. She was in pain and talked about it frequently. She was pretty public with it and that's all she could think/talk about.  3 months later she's pregnant again. And I'm over here like - it's CD 40 and late....I'm not pregnant - why would I think for one minute to even buy a test and waste my time. Ouch. 

I'm glad to see her experience joy after loss, and this makes child 2. *insert stomping of feet* I just don't understand. I don't get it. She talked about how it "took forever to get pregnant this time...." and SO many times I read what she wrote, I wanted to say "Try waiting to become a family after years. Years." Then I slapped myself silly and told myself to stop being a martyr, a complainer, a victim. I know she struggled, I know she felt pain, why in my head do I think "I hurt worse" because I have no children and she has a few. I'm not sure...and I need to do some spiritual direction regarding that struggle. So pray for me, it's a daily struggle. 

Being at home alone isn't easy. When Cody is gone I realize that I'm really all alone. When I'm alone, it's quiet. When it's quiet I start to think of my struggle with weight and infertility... And the reel plays on and on. 

There are moments that I want to stomp my feet, cry in bed, never go to work, and eat junk all day- but all of that won't help me. What I'm thankful for right now is that my moments are just moments. 

 I remember a time where set backs, depressions- lasted 1-2 months. And I am not exaggerating. Cody would come home day in and day out and I would be in the same spot as the day before, watching different episodes of the same shows... and he would make me get up and get ready or at least take a shower. It was hard for him I'm sure, to live with a blob--- and duke was always great company.

And I guess I say all this to say, life isn't fair. It's not for me, you, your neighbor, your girlfriend, your coworker. And none of us can really do anything for anyone else except spend time with each other in order to make the silence easier. So don't be afraid to spend time with those hurting. Some of us created pain for ourselves based on choices, and some of us were blessed with pain. Pain is good for us but uncomfortable. It comes in different shapes and sizes and sometimes it's hidden. 

Life isn't was never suppose to be. Buckle up... It's going to be wild ride. 

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