It's hard to keep fertility treatments and all the stress that comes with it... Inside. No one understands, you want people to, but then again you don't have the energy to explain it to everyone who is rooting for you- because it's exhausting enough in itself... But double exhausting explaining it all over again. I'm still debating if I even want to type all this out... Because I already did once and it was not saved so I lost it.
We started along time ago in 2011. Doozie of a doctor and a surgery later... We searched for a fertility doctor that honored our Catholic beliefs.
Caritas Complete Women's Care in Houston Texas opened in 2012 and we began.
Several months of charting and a 2nd surgery later...landed us to last September- I was (what I think) anemic and was having a lot of bleeding-- for weeks/months at a time. Then I was healed again after surgery! Yay! Thank you God for healing me! Every thing was looking spiffy after my polyps, lesions, and tubes were cleared.
More charting happened and some
grape seed oil progesterone shots several months ago to help my cycles. Progesterone (large amounts of it) is produced by pregnancy- "Progesterone belongs to a group of steroid hormones called progestogens. It is mainly secreted by the corpus luteum in the ovary during the second half of the menstrual cycle. It plays important roles in the menstrual cycle and in maintaining the early stages of pregnancy."
I've had the joy, once again, of feeling pregnant since March, without the baby. Bloating, acne, mega fatigue, mood swings (although I have to say last month could have been worse and I'm proud of myself), an enormous appetite of unhealthy eating, and a confused, very lost mind! (Who leaves their own purse in another state??) yep me!
Once back on track 100 % with the shots, we started helping my ovaries grow bigger follicles. In 2011 when we did this minus all the charting.. The dr made us feel like all women should have a 28 day cycle and should ovulate on "said"date- duh that's wrong but we were like, OKAY!!?? We will follow your generic plan lol- no success after a few expensive cycles!
Forward to present day: Dr. Karges is so great- she has had faith in my body in the midst of a cry session breakdown in her office and her exact words, "you can give up but I'll never give up on you and your body."
June came. We stared our cycle with 2.5 mg of femara. Read more about that drug here: it helps make nice eggies to be fertilized since mine are never big enough to do this without meds. https://www.femara.com/index.jsp
My follicles didn't grow to standard and had a mind of their own- in fact I had to stop and find a NaPro dr on my vacation to San Antonio just to get another ultra sound to see if they were ready to hatch :) nope! After the 4th ultra sound they finally were--- and as I always thought... Late! It wasn't until day 18 when I ovulated after my big shot!
Big shot?? We planned also on an HCG trigger shot-- never had one? Imagine being 8 weeks pregnant overnight.... Yeah... No fun! Because it's 10,000 units of HCG in your system. Thankfully this time I did not get morning sickness. I did get cravings. I do every time I take the HCG shot... It's like it's own pregnancy every month you're on them. In 2011 from Oct- Dec it was fried chicken.... In June.... Well, I hate to admit.... It was hotdogs (gross) lol I even ate a movie hotdog and remember it being the BEST thing in the USA! Then went to sonic 5 days in a row and got 1 plain hot dog every day LOL.
In order to support any pregnancy or supposed pregnancy we continued our progesterone shots on days 18, 21, and 24. They hurt. They take 3 minutes to give, and have to be administered by Cody, in the rear-- I'm sure he just loves that part-- talk about attractive.
Then the wait.
2 weeks. Every day I don't start... I think I'm pregnant (finally I thought) then.... Nothing-- I think I'm pregnant.
Nope not pregnant we aren't sure what's going on. I'm several days late and not pregnant. NOT pregnant- my HCG was .1. That means negative! So we wait. And wait. And wait. Then after a grand total of 5 progesterone shots, 2 more blood draws, 3 more ultrasounds, 10 emails back and forth to the doctor, and 42 days of hormonal hell- well we come to the conclusion it was just a failed cycle.
My body just didn't want to respond well--- actually I felt pretty good this time around--- but after the 2 weeks wait turned into a 4 week of wait we can now move on.
I'm sure by now you're exhausted and shocked that I actually ate like 6 hot dogs last month. (Never in my life have I eaten a hotdog-- never.) This post doesn't even contain all the appointments I had, medications I had to remember, and smiles I had plaster on.
And so now you may understand. It's a lot to repeat all the time to every one. But I know you love me, you're curious, and praying for me often so I felt I needed to get this off my chest.
For me, moving on to a new month is what I can focus on. A new place, a new job, a new adventure. I have a lot of negative comments I want to say and a lot of people I want to "tell like it is" but I think those are the insensitive hormones trying to peek through.
It's been a hard month--- heck, I mean month and a half. Today I feel like my definition of Infertility is constantly watching others succeed when you can't- to sit alone and understand that idea...to let that soak in- to be so confused by something such as LIFE...that happens so many millions of times a year (blindly for most couples) and still not be able to mix the perfect concoction to make it. It also means to continue to have Faith in God that he's going to lead you where you shine as a beacon of hope for others.
Infertility means, even though I feel weak, someone else thinks I am brave. I am grateful for that. I needed to write this today. No apologies....
I love you. I'm praying for you. I know you are enough, no matter what.
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