Confused Obedience

I have been praying in excess lately; so many signs have come my way. I was begging a few days ago for God to give me a sign. Show me which way to turn at this fork in the road of my fertility journey. I asked Cody the other day, "How do you know the difference between when God is answering you and what you want to hear from the voice that is speaking in the back of your head." He replied, "The more time you spend with the Lord, the more you will know His voice." So true, I thought...so true. I didn't necessarily HEAR a voice in adoration or while I was on my drive home, but I DID hear my answer. We got a call about our insurance flex card not coming in until October 11, while I was on the phone with the RE trying to figure out a way to finagle a plan to pay for our next cycle late, I thought- WHOA! Hold on, Annie- are you listening? If you ask, seek, and knock, He will answer. He did, I just didn't want to accept it. Even though I didn't really want to move forward with the RE this month, I felt pressure to. There's your sign- I thought! So I interrupted the secretary at the RE's office, telling her I had just changed my mind. God did answer me. He told me "not this month." Maybe I didn't realize it by the way I was feeling because I wanted a definite sign, but that was the answer- not this month. On my way home that day, I was listening to our local Christian station KSBJ, and they had a snip-it about Moses and what God revealed to him. In Exodus 14:14 it states,"The LORD will fight for you, and you have only to be still." The person on the other end of the radio simply stated- we AREN'T called to be STRONG; we are called to be OBEDIENT. That is all I needed to hear, to know that I am right where I need to be. I don't have to hold back my tears or feelings from my infertility; I can own those. After all I can be weak, as long as I am obedient in carrying my cross.

Positively Negative

I got my beta back today- it was a a 2- yep A TWO. I am obviously not pregnant- my test was positively negative. Yes we knew this could be an outcome I have every right to be angry today. I am sorry if I hurt you, but I needed you all to know this. Tomorrow will be a better day and the anger will have subsided- and hopefully I will be positively positive as I have been for the past 2 years. I deleted the previous ugly post that was written I am sure that I pissed you all off- and I know it is wrong to get that angry- I guess I just needed my 30 minutes of venting. Sorry if I upset you. And thank you all for your love, prayers, AND ADVICE

Happy Birthday to ME

I'm 28. When I thought about being 28, 20 years ago, 15 years ago, and 10 years ago- all of my goals were the same. When I responded to journal topics at school they asked something like "What will your life be like in 10 (or so) years? I could paint you a picture. Someone who was married, a mom, a teacher, and someone who was successul! I think at 28 instead of saying "I haven't done anything with my life" JUST because I am not "a mom" doesn't mean I havent been a success (and believe me, I have said it). I am a loving wife who knows where anything is in the house on any given day-- and still married- I have actually sustained the first (almost) 5 years of marriage, I struggle to be patient from 7-4 at my crazy job, I actually have a degree that I worked my booty off for, I have purchased a home, have two dogs, pay my bills, and I am a young devout Catholic. I think I have been more successful than most on this blessed 28th birthday-- but I cant take the cake-- I give it to God. I give it to my husband, my friends, my family, my priest. With out all of those people I wouldnt be successful. So why do I sometimes STILL equate ULTIMATE success with being a mother? There are plenty of mothers out there who havent done 1/2 as much as me, yet I see them more successful? I think it is because it is the one thing I can't just acheive. It is the one thing that doesnt compute like 1+1=2. It is the one thing to me, above all worldly things/ideals that means success. Today, 28 years ago, my mother gave birth to me. 5 lbs 8 oz. A bundle of joy. She doesnt have a degree, or a million dollars, but she is a mom---and to me she is what I want to be, SHE is successful. Today I am 28. I feel older. I'm not "college age" and I'm not a "soccer mom"- I am something in-between. Today I am 28 and it feels good to be me.

Baby/Booze

Ladies, ladies, (and any gentlemen too) where have I been you ask? OH my goodness! I have been so busy this cycle. This was my first medicated cycle after 24 cycles of being off BC and 21 cycles of really trying that I took 5mg of Femara on CD 3-7 a 10000 unit trigger on CD 13 and mini trigger of 2500 units of hcg on CD 20 and multiple pokes and prods, ultrasounds, and appointments the last 27 days.

I don’t ever think I have been to the doctor as much as I went this month, which, might I add, is semi difficult when starting back for the school year! The good Lord above did bless me with calm and respectful 10th graders this year so that is good news. Other than that I am on CD 27---sitting and waiting like a kid for the school bus (you know what I'm talking about—any car that turns that corner, any bubble or cramp felt below) I'm going crazy!---We went to the RE yesterday, but to no avail, I still have to wait until CD 31 for my blood test. FOOEY- I know, but that is what’s going on this month. Good news for the month- one big follicle grew from 14 mm to 19 in 2 days, ovulation did occur, and my surgery in July was a success- no bleeding because that darned cyst is GONE! Metformin is being nice to me and I have remembered all meds every day, except last night when I accidentally fell asleep at 9:00 pm watching tv with hubster. Other good news this cycle is that My BIRTHDAY is Sunday! I am ready for my B-day weekend. Pregnant or not, here I come! I'm either celebrating with baby, or celebrating with booze. Hey either way, it’s a positive! (yea right...can you hear me lying to myself?) I want it so bad, (not the margarita, the baby…well ---ok the margarita and the baby but that isn’t possible either way) I'm tired of WAITING darn it! As of today I am waiting on my second progesterone test to come back. If it is high enough, no more mini doses, if not, back to that darn hcg shot of another 2500 units and we all get to wait until Thursday 9/15/11 for answers then. (In case you are wondering why I can’t just take the normal suppository progesterone, we aren’t getting into that convo here) but I can’t! Prayers and luck please- andI’ll keep you posted!