C25K

Happy Blessed Sunday everyone! I woke up sleepy, made eggs and bacon and coffee for my hubby and thought today was going to be productive, and out of no where, there was a knock at the door. It was my depression.

As I laid in bed and held back tears while hubby was home, I couldn't hide it much longer. I always hate when he asks me "what's wrong?"  because I know, I just don't feel like acknowledging it by speaking it. As I laid in bed and wished for the things I didn't have and thought about how I've failed at many things, Cody walked in and consoled me.

On his way out the door, he kicked out my depression, and I laced up my new running shoes that I got for my 29th birthday! I put on my running clothes, got my ear buds and my ipod arm band, and I was DETERMINED to accomplish what I had been fearing for days (Week 5 workout 3, a 20 minute straight run), so much so that I kept repeating week 5, day 2 workout! Eek! Now, to your avg. runner, that is no biggie, but for someone who is not yet a distinguished runner, 20 minutes is a LONG time to run without stopping. I have been attempting C25K since April, yep, since April, but hey, at least I am doing it, even with all of my excuses! I have weeks 6, 7, and 8 left for training and in 8 weeks, I am running my first (but not last) race! Here is my DETERMINED pic BEFORE my accomplishment:

I beat my fear of the 20 minutes today; I beat my depression this morning. In the past, I was in therapy, and because of that, I can now successfully deal with my problems and depression. I know how to tackle it first hand. Now, some days do I want to? NO! Sometimes I want to be useless and cry and eat all day, but it only makes it harder in the long run. It isn't that I am FAKE because I can move past it, it is that I am REAL and that I have a GOD so wonderful, that he loves ME because I FAIL. He loves me because I forgive, he loves me because I am giving, and he loves me because I am overweight. He loves me (period). He loves me so much that he gives me the smile on my face and the strength to keep hitting my foot on the pavement.

Today, I won and I am so very proud of me! Now I know that I can run two miles straight, can I run three? YOU BET. Because in Matt. 17:20 it states, "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."

C25K do's

• get fitted for running shoes
• buy running clothes that don't ride up
• listen to music that calms your breathing pattern, the longer you can stay calm, the longer you can run.
• Eat a pre run snack: my favs are a bagel with peanut butter or 1/2 turkey sammie
• run outside as much as possible because that is where you will be running your race, not on a treadmill
• repeat workouts as necessary before moving on to the next C25K challenge
• get a C25K app on your phone- it will tell you when to walk and when to run. It plays in the background so you can listen to music still.

C25K don'ts:

• don't eat junk like I did, it makes it so hard to run in the afternoons!
• don't run in random shoes like I did, because your feet are not secure
• don't skip having water all day and expect to run successfully- I love me some DIET COKE:/ 
• don't skip workouts or whole weeks at a time without repeating some workouts again
• don't run everyday until you think you can handle it
• don't expect to keep up the pace with your husband, you have shorter legs!
• don't give up.

Here I am AFTER my run! Whew! I rocked it!

For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.
-Hebrews 12:11-13

Happy 29th to Me

Today is my birthday! I made it to 29 years of age! Sometimes I think, I can't believe I am 29, when I was 15 I thought at that age one was old or established. Today's journal in my classroom is: "What do you think your life will be like 10 years from now." I love hearing all of my students' dreams and goals; it always brings me back to 19 and thinking where I would be at this 29th year! I have to say though, that even since last year's birthday post  (click here to read) that I have come a very long way. In the last year I have:

• completed and failed several fertility treatments
• grown closer to my husband
• lost some weight
• started running
• changed from regular foods to more organic
• bought a keurig
• moved from a small town to a city
• sold a ton of stuff that I never use
• celebrated birthdays of the many babies God has placed in my life
• had my God children, M____ and D ____ spend the night and successfully made it through mass with both of them
• Became a new Godmother to baby K____
• spent mother's day as a God Mother with baby K___
• celebrated births of C____ , L _____, and G _____
• started my Master's Degree in School Counseling
• made lots of new desserts and appetizers
• took family photos
• Worked summer school :( grrr
• bought my second NEW item for our home in six years of marriage
• learned to feel comfortable in the life I have been blessed with
• signed up for The Color Run on Nov. 11th
• started seeing a new Catholic based fertility specialist with NaPro Technology
• gained new friendships and strengthened my current ones
• successfully completed many fasts with my husband
• Shopped, shopped, and shopped some more
• decorated and re-decorated
• bought ANOTHER kitchen table
• went to Alamo Draft house
• Prayed, prayed, and prayed some more
• and last but not least...Celebrated. 

From 28-29,  I celebrated my wonderful and blessed life, my God, my church, my husband, my family, my friends, my job and co-workers, my students, my doggies, and all of the babies God has placed in my path until I am blessed with one of my own.  I celebrated my failures and my success. I celebrated the rough patches and the smooth rides. I celebrated when I didn't feel like it, and some times too much!

From 29-30 my goals are simple: Live Life. I am not living in the future, the past, or in my dreams. I am simply living, as a 29 year old success and I finally feel like I am right where I need to be.

Moving On...

Running therapy > Writing therapy and = to real therapy!! That's where I have been folks! Running! My first race is November 11th and I am excited about our Color Run! For our 6th anniversary we are celebrating in our Nike's! Change is the new theme in our home as we have not only been running, we have also been moving on! We just moved and are excited to start our new life and new adventure God has planned for us. It seems that through running and moving I have had little time to write, much less think about the big I word "Infertility." I had a mini breakdown a few weeks ago, but other than that- I have recovered! Hubby also told me that night at dinner what my birthday present was going to be. He asked Max Bemis to write a song for me about my struggle with Infertility and how I am not broken, even though I can't make babies! After I had reapplied my make up 4 times that very day, I then started bawling AGAIN at the dinner table! Max is the artist of Say Anything, a band we use to  frequently listen to, go to concerts for, etc...but as we have aged, our taste has changed to other types of music! Cody saw that Max was asking his fans to write a page about whatever they wanted their song to be about, so Cody wrote about me! Max only accepts 100 fans' letters so I am thrilled to hear it! And with that I can say (confidently) I am moving on. The baby-less-ness is getting easier to deal with and my self acceptance is uncovering itself.

God always has his hand in things and he sure did with our home. After buying a lemon we finally got out of it. It took my husband's career change, which freed up some space to apply for government help, but we are OUT! We owe nothing and it barely dented our credit! By the grace of God, our deed in lieu was granted and we are free. We moved last weekend with the help of our great friends, parents, and some extra help-- one that wasn't an English speaker and one that was-- leave it to MY dad to get the two mixed up! Talk about funny stuff! We have moved on to better things and this allows us to be able to transfer anywhere in Texas that Cody applies for higher positions with JD. After trying to sell our home several times, God wanted it THIS way, HIS way. It's odd to live in a new place, to look back and see where life took a turn for the better, even when that turn looked like a turn for the worse.

I saw a C.S. Lewis quote the other day, and ever since then I have been needing to blog! Change is scary and uncomfortable, but it allows to become something we have never been before. That's why I love being a teacher; I can change who I am as a teacher, each year. I finally got my ticket for change. It was not exactly how I expected and for the last few days I have been pinching myself, saying, is this really my new life? All of a sudden, in one second I went from what I was, to what I wanted to be. I am moving on everyone, and happy.

Busy Bee

I have been overly busy. So busy that I feel like I did 10 years ago when I was in college. Oh, wait. I am :/ I am currently working on getting my Master's Degree in School Counseling. This is a bridge move to what I really want to do, and that is become an LPC (Licensed Professional Counselor). My dream job would be to stay at home with my children and work part time as an LPC. Okay, but really, with no kiddos and no master's yet, I am setting that on the 5 yr list. Not that I will have a nervous breakdown if I am not there in 5 years or anything (I have had PLENTY of those in the last almost 3 of trying). Speaking of that- October makes 3 years of us deciding that we are going to live as The Church teaches, being open to life. I am sad that we weren't thoroughly involved in our faith the first 1-2 years of our marriage, but, HEY, we are all sinners and are all on a journey! I often wonder what life would be like if we had children like some of our friends and schoolmates do, and then I just cannot imagine it. On our way to crabbing last weekend, I looked in the back seat, and then asked Cody, "Could you imagine what it would be like if we got pregnant right after we got married? We would have a kindergartener!" I can't understand what that would be like and what maybe we would be doing, but I know HE has a plan!

About a month ago, prayers were answered for our family. I sat at my desk with my head down, and talked with God. I said, LORD, put us where you want us to be. Open the door wide open if the next step for my husband is YOUR WILL, or LORD, even though it might sting, shut the door. We are waiting and listening. 24 hours later, He shut the door alright. And it slammed. I never worried one bit. I never got disturbed or sad. I was actually smiling when the door shut, because it was an answered prayer! 5 days later, another door opened. A more beautiful door—a door that fits our "home" better. God not only answered our prayer, he gave my husband an opportunity of a life time, an opportunity to work for a God centered place that instills values in their managers. We are so thankful for that! I then looked up to God and I said, I get it now, you needed to take away, bring something better, and settle our family before the next step, and I find great comfort in that, especially with the TTC stuff!

Other life changes have kept us busy too, one being getting back on the ball with fitness and health. By the grace of God, I have been content with my infertility. I think the TTC group can understand this rollercoaster I am describing. And right now, I am okay. We do, however, want to use our time wisely and definitely want to get this PCOS weight off! My husband is my biggest fan and he is right there with me as we attempt (for the 3rd time since May) to complete C25k (Couch 2 5k)! We got all the way to week 3, but back tracked in late May when we had some life changes! We are back at it and doing GREAT! After reading some in my theories class, I have realized that running is the number one method of therapy (meditation being number two) and together, we will be getting fit and healthy and will push each other to train, even on the days we "don't wanna."

Also, I am teaching summer school, not because I applied or anything, but because on the last day of school, after our teacher luncheon, I received a call. They needed someone to teach and even though every bone in my body said no, I excitedly said YES! So, as pull myself out of bed each morning, and unenthusiastically find clothes to wear that look acceptable and comfortable, I crankily drive my car to Ozen and pull in. I get out, walk 2.5 miles to the door, and plaster on fakeness. But hey, God wanted me to have it for SOME reason; after all I didn't even seek the job!

Have a rockin' summer y'all!

Facing the Giants

It’s movie week over here in room A-5. With 8 ½ days left of school, everyone has pretty much given up. We have faced the giant TAKS test, the giant curriculum and the giant six weeks exams. WE are all tired at this point! I cannot tell you how excited I am to be enjoying my entire summer: 11 weeks, all 77 days to myself! I will not be working summer school this summer! My friend next door, my beloved teaching partner, lent me a movie, Facing the Giants. At first glance a football movie, but so much more! When she mentioned the writers of Fireproof and Courageous were the same as Facing the Giants, I was surprised! I had no idea that Sherwood Baptist Church had a movie prior to Fireproof. If you haven’t seen it, watch it. If you have, you know how powerful it is. As I sat behind my computer screen, I could feel my cheeks blushing with anxiety… class after class...feeling that all eyes were on me. You see, my students cannot comprehend why I don’t have children and when they realize it, they think about it. In their mind, it makes no sense. Children, to them, are things you have, not necessarily blessings you get from God. Every year starts off the same"

“Mrs. Castillo, how many kids you got?”

“None!”

“Why? You’re like 30 something…how come?”

Those conversations usually turn into questions of

“Mrs. Castillo, how many kids you want?”

“As many as God blesses me with!”

A few weeks later the questions become, “When you want kids?”

“When ever God gives them to me but hopefully real soon…” is usually my answer!

They realize that I haven’t been able to have children and with some classes, I might tell them a bit of info, especially if they are persistent in asking. They are 16, so I think they are mature enough to understand. Few realize the gravity of the situation…they cannot possibly understand, they are children themselves. But towards the end of the year, the questions become statements of “Mrs. Castillo, I hope you have a baby- I want you to have a little girl! She would be so cute…etc” While we were watching the movie, in 4th period, I heard a whisper one day last week that I ignored ,"That's Mrs. Castillo." When they saw the pain and the struggle of the character on the movie, they got it. They could connect something. I ignored it but I was blushing. I felt a stare down as I put grades in at my computer.

As they mature, they realize that you don’t just have everything you want in life. Sometimes you don’t get what you think you have the right to have! Sometimes facing the giants in life means, that you end up stronger than you think you are… you end up fighting a battle that you didn’t think you were ever going to fight! You will always win when God is on your side. Winning does not mean that life ended up the way YOU wanted it to, but that you trust God enough to survive the storm. Over the last three days as I watched the movie six times in a row, I realized that I needed to hear it repetitively to understand that I am right where I need to be. Miracles will happen and maybe one will come my way. And if not, that is a miracle in itself because God has allowed me to suffer through my infertility--suffer for my friends, family, and loved ones. This movie, Facing the Giants has given me hope and most of all strength. Some might say that I wallow in my sorrow, but I say, until you are in my sorrow you cannot say what I do. I am a strong, faithful woman of God. I have more strength most days than I ever think I could have had. I am looking this giant straight in the face. I have been facing this giant for 2 1/2 years. Some have faced it longer. I am not backing down. I am not bending my sentences when people inquire about my marriage or "children." I am looking at those giants…I am telling them the truth. "I have an infertility problem" I will say. God will grant me the strength when I keep seeing those negative tests, when I keep writing those checks out to the doctor, or as I continue to give myself infertility medication, when I pray at the abortion clinic, or when someone else is pregnant and I am not. God has, and he will. Too many of my friends have had pregnancies when I dreamed of them, and I have survived and set aside my difficulty for their victory. Too many times I have put a smile on my face because that is how I wanted to feel.  I have written this prayer and find comfort in it. Hopefully, you or someone you know will too.

“God, guide me to my children and direct me to the path You want me to be on. Show me the way You want us to go about having children for You. Lead us to the doctors that will honor our decisions about fertility treatments and help them to heal me. Thank you for blessing us with the beautiful children we will have and the beautiful children you have placed in our life. Help us to raise them to have a fire for You."

One of the turning points in the movie is played with this song by Ana Laura. I am leaving it here for you in hopes that you  find comfort in it today.



What I've Learned

In my life, it seems that I have one experience or challenge after another. It seems that in the mire and the muck that I always to fall in I can’t understand how I will ever shine again. Miraculously there is a new me when I am washed off…a “brighter” me—figuratively and literally. So what have a learned?

I’ve learned that in some weird way, God puts the people we need right in front of our faces. There have been several times I have struggled with my infertility in the past 2 ½ years, and in that time God put people that struggled or are struggling in my face, it was just my job to be open enough to get to know them, because if I wouldn’t have, I would have never know they struggled too.

I’ve learned that sometimes people don’t understand you because they don’t want to change.

I’ve learned that a “good cry” and a “stomping of my feet” is okay, because God can handle it.

I’ve learned that when everyone else is too busy, my husband is always there, and he has a listening ear like no other.

I’ve learned that when I get frustrated at doing my job, to be thankful and say, “God, thank you for the job you have given me, and thank you for the job you will lead me to in the future.”

I’ve learned that is okay to not say everything that is inside of your heart, because when you open it up all of the way, you take too great of a chance with someone damaging your valuable, vulnerable, feelings. It’s okay to hold back a little, as long as you have a consistent healthy way of expression. One doesn’t need to put all of their trials on the clothes line.

I’ve learned that I shouldn’t ask God to be with me, but that I should be with God.

I’ve learned that I am smart enough to go back to school, and I really enjoy what I am pursuing.

I’ve learned that thanking God for our beautiful children, even before he blesses us, puts my total faith and trust in Him.

I’ve learned that nothing ever goes as planned for my life—and you know what, nothing goes as planned for anyone else’s, and that’s okay. God has something better planned.

I’ve learned that people who know me and love me will accept me and my husband, my family, our religion, and our life for what it is, and they are here to support us in our decisions and downfalls. If you aren’t present in my trials, don’t expect to be there in the triumphs.

I’ve learned that I am a pretty lucky person because I have two parents, that are still married and who raised me to be a conservative, young lady that makes good choices; parents that love me so much, they would just rather Cody and me live with them, instead of a 1.35 miles away.

I've learned that throwing the scale out of the window (literally) has allowed me to not be a slave to a number on the scale.

I’ve learned that no matter how many gymnastics moves I do, or medicines I take, or foods that I omit, I am not going to have a baby, until God wants me to. (Now, this doesn’t mean that I still don’t have days that I don’t get out of bed, but I know it to be true).

I’ve learned that eating is a temporary fix to my emotional holes.

I’ve learned that people will slander you, just to become friends with one of your friends, because they have no friends, and if that is what they want to build their relationship on, it’s okay. It speaks volumes about their character. If they want my friend that bad, and she believes their fallacies, they can have each other. I don’t need anyone to justify me as a person; I am strong enough with God and my husband. It still stings, but there are plenty of people in the word for me to pour my energy into, besides the drama type.

I’ve learned that no matter what happens, or how crazy my life gets, I am right where I need to be.

Infertility Awareness Week

April 22-28 is National Infertility Awareness Week. I hope you'll join me and many others this week as we try to help raise awareness for infertility.

It’s here. National Infertility Awareness Week and I have been battling with my feelings all month. The truth is—I have been battling with my infertility voice on my blog too. This last cycle we were pretty convinced we were pregnant. I had implantation bleeding, and all of the simptoms, even a late period. I was dreaming of a December baby that I always wanted, but she didn't show up. Instead her aunt came a week later. After this devistation, I hit my wall, hard. So many days I have wanted to write about something, but for fear of offending someone with the ugliness of infertility- I didn’t. I’ve remained silent for a month and I'm finding some strength now to say how it really feels to be infertile. I'm sorry if you read this and get offended; it is probably because you aren’t me (well, duh you aren't me, but you know what I am saying) and you don’t know how I feel. Infertility is a silent disease that no one talks about—but today, we are talking about it. This week, we are talking about it. I don’t ride roller-coasters, but I'm on this one. I wanted to share with you all my roller-coaster feelings on what I deal with the majority of the time. I want to share with you that if you don’t think you know anyone who struggles, you do. You or someone you know is affected by infertility. They go to sleep most nights in tears, they hold back what they want to say all of the time, they have a lot of feelings that cannot be explained. So, here goes:

What might go through someone’s mind that is infertile?

• I am garbage, damaged goods- if I can’t function as a woman, why would my husband want me?
• I don’t know why I feel like crap today, but I do. And if one more person announces on face book that they are expecting, I might lose it!
• I'm so happy that ______ is expecting; I'm so angry that I'm not. I'm so angry that I'm just going to give up. Why can’t I catch a BREAK? I have been trying for twice as long as she?
• I have no friends. Everyone is busy with their children. I stop everything I am doing for them and their children, but does anyone do that for me? Right then, when I need it most? I'm going to just start pulling back and keeping things inside.
• Please don’t ask me, please don’t ask me, and please don’t ask me- about why I have been married for nearly 6 years and “So, do y'all not want kids, or what? It’s about that time? Why haven’t y'all had them yet?” I mean, first of all, whose business is that of yours? I’ve seen you twice in like 5 years- WHAT I would like to tell you is all the money we have spent trying to conceive, all the doctors’ appointments we have been to, and all of the tears I have shed.
• What should we "do" next? What does my husband really think about me crying all of the time?
• I don't want to take the shots and the hormones and throw-up to find a negative pregnancy test in the end.
• I know you think IVF is the way to go, but unfortunately, I don't believe in it- and I cannot take that 25,000 dollar chance because I am not rich.
• I know you know someone who knows someone who got pregnant after adoption, but life isn't about magic spells, and that is not what I hope to do, just so that my life turns out like that?
• No, I'm sorry, I cannot bear to go to another baby shower where I everyone is pregnant except me and the mother of the expectant.
• No, I'm not pregnant, just bloated because I'm on medication that does that to me and I just had a wand up me for 30 minutes.
• I can't drink, I might be pregnant.
• I can't go to the gym, my blastocyst might be traveling right now.
• I think I will find other things to do than worry about this (I mean, you can only re-organize your cabinets so many times- so thank goodness my parents are paying for my graduate degree)
• I totally don't understand, I'm not a parent, I am sure you are busy- (welcome to everyone else's life)
• I want to drive to the beach, cry all day, scream as loud as possible, then drive home.
• I am not sure I can plaster a smile on one more day!
• I'm kind of glad I don't have kids today, so I can sleep in.
• Who loves damaged goods?
• How can all these people get pregnant, and I am constantly faithful with nothing in return.
• I have it all planned out, how I am going to tell my husband, family, friends, and co-workers-- It hurts when what I want to happen, never does.
• If all of my blood work shows that I should be pregnant, why am I still not? I don't think I can bare this type of cycle again.

What might someone do along their infertile journey?

Now What? How can others help, and not hurt (because they really do not mean to)

Infertility can spur up very ill feelings. Most of the time, you have to understand, they are uncontrollable feelings that make you sick to think about even having, but the truth is, when you have the desire to be a parent and you cannot possibly achieve it, it seems like the entire world is on pause. Most don’t get it and say hurtful things that they don't mean. Some people try to get it, but they don’t or forget about your pain, when they are successful on the journey. Few people actually get it. I have put up some links, and I hope that you will visit them!

For help with those infertile ladies in your life, click here

For help with infertility and to read other people’s journey, click here

Before posting today This blogger had stolen my words in beautiful way. Check her out. She is really great!

I'm leaving you with my feelings wrapped up in this video...