Just because I'm infertile, doesn’t mean I am contagious. It doesn’t mean that I don’t know how to have fun. It doesn't mean that I am weird or abnormal. It doesn’t mean that every time I am around we have to talk about it. Just because I am infertile, doesn’t mean that I am any less of a woman or less of a friend, In fact, I am more. I am more because I know how pain feels. Just because I am infertile doesn’t mean that I am desperate and lonely, depressed, or even ungrateful for the life God has blessed me with; it just means that I yearn for something that so many others have or “control.” Sometimes I feel like saying, “It must be nice that life works out for you and you get pregnant when you want, or that life sucks and you accidentally get pregnant and weren’t expecting to...when's the wedding again?” Sometimes I feel like asking the people who have said hurtful things to me, how they would feel after three years of not getting pregnant. One time someone said to a friend of a friend, She is so (can't remember the actual word, but something to the affect of ugly, or rude)-- no wonder she cant get pregnant..that's why God hasn't blessed her, she doesn't deserve it." The person did not realize that I saw that conversation on a social media site, but I did. When other people think one is the reason for not getting BLESSED they have it all wrong, and words like that hurt. This week three years ago, Cody and I made a decision that would forever change our perspective on life. It would forever change who we would become. That decision was to honor God's law, regardless of my condition, and get off of Birth Control. Not just until we got what we wanted, but---for life. WE made a forever choice that has forever changed who we are. And to be honest, sometimes the effects of that decision have led me places that I don't wish anyone to go. That decision has made me into the best person and sometimes, the worst person-- but I am human. I make mistakes. If I can forgive others so easily, why do others hold grudges against me?
In dealing with infertility with myself and my close friends and family, I would have to say that someone else getting pregnant isn’t so much what hurts those of us who can’t; it is the slow fade of the friends that continue to have children and leave you behind. It is the "we just don't have anything in common anymore" statement that puts an uncloseable gap between two people, so big that eventually the relationship can't be healed. It is the acceptance of the still, quiet, life that you didn’t dream of. Loneliness is a cold dark place that most people don’t know, and to be honest, most couldn’t handle.
Yesterday as I listened to the homily at mass, God was speaking to me. Father Ross said that God gives us what we need for Eternal life, not what we want. “Maybe I don’t need children for eternal life” I thought…but then I began seeking then what it was that I needed. I won’t know what I need or don’t need, and it isn’t my job to find out. But I can tell you this: I definitely do not “have it all” like some people, but I have everything I need, today. Today I have what I need and I've got to acknowledge that.
I spoke with hubs himself today, and he has given me great advice: today is the feast day of St. Teresa of Avila, Doctor of the Church, I am seeking her counsel today since she lived in a community of all women and felt as if she wasn’t wanted. I plan on spending the rest of my day off (1/2 day today Parent/Teacher Conferences this afternoon) in contemplative prayer with St. T.
To read more about this Saint: click here.
5 days ago