My Great Aunt Died

-So, it's raining today here in Texas! I like the idea of rainy days, but I really do not enjoy getting out in the rain- especially when you mix any percentage of humidity with with rain! I like rainy days if I can stay in my "sleepy pants" (my pj's) (my jammies) (my comfy clothes) or whatever you call 'em! Today, fortunately, I get to- kind of- we have a "teacher workday" why? Who the HECK knows--- no one is actually "working" nor am I (shhh....I'm sneaking in a blog post....). Today I decided to wear my velour pants and jacket because I just wanted to be coZy, and I am cozy.

-So far, January hasn't been too unproductive- I attempted "The Daniel Fast" which made me feel great, I continued going to counseling, I opened my heart to a new friendship, I got more organized, I cleaned house more, I lost a few pounds- and the good thing is- January is OVER! I still have time to get back on track! I kinda got off of my "eating clean" plan, and "going to the gym" thing I was doing after Thanksgiving, but the good news is- I am okay!

-It is so weird how eating and the weather are VERY connected to my depression. 1 week after eating junk, I started to ALMOST slip back into that helpless state- after my 2 hour pity party on Friday, I was okay. In my private writings, I have compared "depression" to a person: "Great-Aunt Depression." You see, depression is like that distant relative that shows up on your doorstep, unexpectedly, unannounced, yet works her way into your life. She annoys your friends and family, she 'butts' in to everything your are interested in, she is very rude, she is extremely bitter, and to top it off- she 'wears out her welcome' I mean, she can't even figure out WHEN TO GO BACK HOME, and obviously, she enjoys making your life a living Hell! So, after not asking if she could even stay the night, her night turns into a week, a month, a year, a few years; you find yourself in guilt by not pushing her out, after all she is YOUR relative! The only way out, is if she dies! And when she does you realize how many people aren't your friends anymore because of her, you realize how your relationships have changed because of her, and you realize how you, in a way, have become her- bitter and sad. But it only takes a few days to change- because once she is gone- you slowly start to realize that you hate her and you never want to be like her! Depression is like that for me: a distant relative.

-So, after three years, my "Great Aunt Depression" died. I woke up and realized. And when I realized that most all the people I thought were my friends, found better things to do, better people to call, more fabulous people to have over on the weekends, funnier people to go to dinner with, happier people to entertain- then I had to accept that. The happy loss, is Great Aunt Depression, the sad loss is the loss of the people you really thought were your friends but were tired of your intruder- so decided it would be best to leave.

-Most days I am okay. Some days I am regretful. Few days I am lonely. Hardly any days do I feel depressed. I know I am making progress. I saw a quote about progress today that I liked. "Progress isn't accomplishing one big journey; the journey to success is made up of a series of steps, some of which allow you to make progress and others that allow you to learn important lessons you need." I can see the sun, but it's parly behind the clouds- I just have to be patient.