I havent blogged in a while. I have been busy- but more importantly I haven't been paying attention. Usually I just "know" what I should write about, but for many weeks I have been in the dark. All of the feelings have been in my mind and in my soul, but I couldn't put anything into words. I have been running into the verse, "So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened" Luke 11:9-10. I was doing all three- asking, seeking, and knocking. I was knocking so loudly that I couldn't hear the shouts from God. Everywhere I went he was answering my thoughts (God, should I do this, or that? What should I do- because I really dont want to have to go through all that work, Lord- cant you just help me!) He was helping me to see where i needed to be. So after a year of his signs, attempts, and shouts-- i finally listened. It was hard, but as his child i didnt understand, until I experienced it. He was right. He knew what I needed. In Psalm 40:1-2 it states "I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand." In order for me to have strength, I had to be broken. For when I was truly broken- I had cracks in my soul that allowed God's love to leak in. What I have been dealing with the most is finding strength in a broken soul. This is a new spirit- a spirit that I didn’t know and still don’t know. "I dont trust this person...I hardly know her,” I would say in my head. But really, I didnt want to get to know her. So I started my journey. Everytime I thought a negative thought about this new person, I countered it with a positive thought. This helped somewhat- but there was one small problem--I didn’t TRULY believe the positive thought. Here is an example: If your name is A----- all your life and one day someone starts calling you a different name, you wouldn’t answer to that new name because you wouldn’t associate yourself with that name. I haven’t had to learn a new name, but a new way of living. God has recently “connected the dots” for me on my trip to finding out who this new person is. I understand the who, what, when, where, why, but I dont understand HOW to live with -OOPS- sorry I had a negative thought- I dont understand HOW to find the strenght to love this NEW, updated and revised, copyright 1983 addition of my soul! I still am attached to the orginally published 1983 soul. As I am writing this today, how odd it is that i am sitting in a library. a library of books that are EVER CHANGING. New ones come in, old ones move out, and every year new additions of books are released with updates. I have realized that even though new additions of books are always happening- no two books are alike, and nothing is like the orginal copy of your favorite book! I might be worn, torn, my "spine" broken (yes pun intended)but I am me. No one is like me. My life will be revised and updated every year- and I have to find positives in those revisions. Sometimes revisions make us mad, or sad, or confused but know this: the road to recovery after a life changing event is life long. Today, I came across this special verse that I hold close to my heart. It is in 1 Cor. 10:13..."God is faithful and he will not let go through things beyond your strength, but will provide a way out , so that you may be able to bear it." Two years ago this verse was put infront of me- as sign from God- that I would know everything would be "okay." Is it? YES....but that doesn’t mean I am heald. Im okay, I surrived- I have good days and bad days, but I am forever broken. Remember a broken soul is broken, so that God's love and passion and slip in, fill the cracks, and then shine though so that others can see HIS love in you. A worn book is still a GOOD book, but a revised addition that is crisp and new can put a smile on your face too, you just have to get the feel for the new cover, the new paper, the new look-- the new addition. After all, it still has the same meaning. Love yourself, broken or new.
