The Right to One's Personhood- Prop. 26

I have a REAL BIG Problem with a fellow blogger and her supporters. I used to be a friend of hers on Facebook, until recently when she spoke so candidly about life “I will always be a pro-choicer.” This is after many times on her blog and Facebook that she, in fact has stated that she is Catholic? I was speechless when I read that last week! TODAY threw me for the biggest loop! She was talking about Prop. 26 (The Personhood Amendment) and after all of her followers chimed in, they were CLEARLY against it and might I add, glad that it didn’t pass in Mississippi! Now, for someone who tried many times to have a baby, someone who is Catholic (but really ALL Christians for that matter) how could you stand for freezing your baby or throwing away your baby? First of all just because science CAN do something, we still have to ask ourselves from a moral perspective SHOUlD it do something. It is NOT our rights as people to HAVE PEOPLE. We don’t mandate our lives, God does. Thus it is never your RIGHT to have a child. No matter how much you want it, to have a child is not our right- and society has screwed that up. A child, a human, a wonderful creation that is formed at the very moment of conception, natural conception, is a wonderful GIFT. When we involve others in our marital act of love and procreation, there is room to ask, who might be the mother or the father—Is it the nurse retrieving the egg? Could it be the doctor combining the egg with the sperm? It’s possible that the assistant collecting your sperm donation could take credit? Or maybe it’s the Practitioner that puts it all back up inside of you since he is the one that actually MADE the child, right? Science is wonderful. But we aren’t God. In the CCC it states, 2270 “Human life must be respected and protected absolutely from the moment of conception. From the first moment of his existence, a human being must be recognized as having the rights of a person - among which is the inviolable right of every innocent being to life.” Freezing embryos that women no longer want would be a form of abandonment on the person’s part and would interfere with one’s PERSONHOOD. Throwing away and donating to science, un-wanted embryos would be killing a child for no apparent reason than that of selfish reasons, which also infringes on ones PERSONHOOD. You might ask, “So you and your husband don’t plan on IVF or IUI treatments, or won’t ever use birth control or won’t do a common sperm donation?” No. We don’t/ we won’t and we haven’t. We believe that birth contol is an abortifacient and we belive in Natural Family Planning. So even though we are taking fertility medicaitons now, we have followed OUR beliefs, not those of a DOCTOR. We will always be TTC, because we believe in that; we believe in life! If we can’t naturally as possible, conceive a child, then we will pray until we do. If God ever naturally blesses us with one, we would be so happy. We both believe in Natural Conception to Natural Death, as does the Catholic Church. We both understand it is not our right to HAVE a child. It hurts me to see someone on Face book and in the Blog world that has such an impact on women Trying To Conceive, who admits to being a Catholic Christian, that doesn’t recognize the damage she is doing and the disservice she is doing, by shouting from the roof tops, the un-necessity of Prop. 26. She not only looks thoughtless, but unwise in her faith. I am leaving you with a 33 minute video. You might be left with confusion, thinking—this video is about abortion, not the “Personhood Amendment” But it is. Whether the child is one hour, one day, one month in the womb, or one hour, one day, one month in the “world” why would you just freeze him or throw him away? Would you freeze your one month old because you already had 4 children and needed a baby sitter…hopefully not. But so many freeze and throw away those that they cannot hold, those that they don’t see as REAL. They are real humans. They have a personhood and they have a right to their life. "The inalienable rights of the person must be recognized and respected by civil society and the political authority. These human rights depend neither on single individuals nor on parents; nor do they represent a concession made by society and the state; they belong to human nature and are inherent in the person by virtue of the creative act from which the person took his origin. Among such fundamental rights one should mention in this regard every human being's right to life and physical integrity from the moment of conception until death.” Donum vitae III 79

Falling into Domestics

Happy fall, y'all! I have been very productive this October. I am so happy that I have been! I gave up Diet Cokes for 3 weeks (I am back to 1 a day) I started going to the gym at 5:30 each morning with my dear mom for 30 minutes of cardio, I have been cooking all meals (we have only eaten out three times this month), I have been super domestic (cleaning, scrubbing, organizing, and yes, baking). This past Sunday, as I was watching one of my all time favs The Secret Life of Bees I decided to pull out the ingredients for a Pumpkin Cheesecake! Holy Cheesecake....to DIE for delish! After cooling and waiting VERY patiently for 5 hours while it was in the fridge, I doused a piece with caramel and cool whip with sprinkled cinnamon....falling into the rich, creamy, sweet, and cozy goodness.....needless to say, I will be making that for the Thanksgiving dessert table this year! So what else have we been up to...you guessed it....baby stuff. To keep it simple it is going really great this month! I am pleasantly surprised how smooth this month seems, how less stressed I am, and how positive too! Our Anniversary is coming up on November 18th...and I am hoping to go somewhere to get away! I would love to go to San Antonio for the weekend (it is so romantic there)! Oh yea, and I colored my hair a rich brown, with glazed highlights peeking through the bottom! I think fall is in full effect at Annie's house! I hope you are falling into something, and not too many pumpkin cheesecakes or anything (because New Year's Resolutions are right around the corner...like 10 weeks away!) Happy fall y'all! Click here for the pumpkin cheesecake recipe!

The Great Adventure Bible Study Contest Entry for a Trip with Jeff Cavins to the Holy Land

Hey everyone! My husband and I have a chance to win a trip, January 5th-18th 2012 with Jeff and Emily Cavins to the Holy Lands! Our video has to be submitted by tomorrow, has to have the most likes, views, and comments, and then will get placed in the top three! After that voters will have from october 31st - Nov. 14th to vote on Jeff Cavin's Great Adventure Bible Study web page! Winners announced November 18th ( OUR ANNIVERSARY-- what a great gift if we win, right?) Please help by sharing on your Facebook, Twitter, Blog, and viewing of course! I will keep you posted if we win! Thank you! xoxo Annie B

Confused Obedience

I have been praying in excess lately; so many signs have come my way. I was begging a few days ago for God to give me a sign. Show me which way to turn at this fork in the road of my fertility journey. I asked Cody the other day, "How do you know the difference between when God is answering you and what you want to hear from the voice that is speaking in the back of your head." He replied, "The more time you spend with the Lord, the more you will know His voice." So true, I thought...so true. I didn't necessarily HEAR a voice in adoration or while I was on my drive home, but I DID hear my answer. We got a call about our insurance flex card not coming in until October 11, while I was on the phone with the RE trying to figure out a way to finagle a plan to pay for our next cycle late, I thought- WHOA! Hold on, Annie- are you listening? If you ask, seek, and knock, He will answer. He did, I just didn't want to accept it. Even though I didn't really want to move forward with the RE this month, I felt pressure to. There's your sign- I thought! So I interrupted the secretary at the RE's office, telling her I had just changed my mind. God did answer me. He told me "not this month." Maybe I didn't realize it by the way I was feeling because I wanted a definite sign, but that was the answer- not this month. On my way home that day, I was listening to our local Christian station KSBJ, and they had a snip-it about Moses and what God revealed to him. In Exodus 14:14 it states,"The LORD will fight for you, and you have only to be still." The person on the other end of the radio simply stated- we AREN'T called to be STRONG; we are called to be OBEDIENT. That is all I needed to hear, to know that I am right where I need to be. I don't have to hold back my tears or feelings from my infertility; I can own those. After all I can be weak, as long as I am obedient in carrying my cross.

Positively Negative

I got my beta back today- it was a a 2- yep A TWO. I am obviously not pregnant- my test was positively negative. Yes we knew this could be an outcome I have every right to be angry today. I am sorry if I hurt you, but I needed you all to know this. Tomorrow will be a better day and the anger will have subsided- and hopefully I will be positively positive as I have been for the past 2 years. I deleted the previous ugly post that was written I am sure that I pissed you all off- and I know it is wrong to get that angry- I guess I just needed my 30 minutes of venting. Sorry if I upset you. And thank you all for your love, prayers, AND ADVICE

Happy Birthday to ME

I'm 28. When I thought about being 28, 20 years ago, 15 years ago, and 10 years ago- all of my goals were the same. When I responded to journal topics at school they asked something like "What will your life be like in 10 (or so) years? I could paint you a picture. Someone who was married, a mom, a teacher, and someone who was successul! I think at 28 instead of saying "I haven't done anything with my life" JUST because I am not "a mom" doesn't mean I havent been a success (and believe me, I have said it). I am a loving wife who knows where anything is in the house on any given day-- and still married- I have actually sustained the first (almost) 5 years of marriage, I struggle to be patient from 7-4 at my crazy job, I actually have a degree that I worked my booty off for, I have purchased a home, have two dogs, pay my bills, and I am a young devout Catholic. I think I have been more successful than most on this blessed 28th birthday-- but I cant take the cake-- I give it to God. I give it to my husband, my friends, my family, my priest. With out all of those people I wouldnt be successful. So why do I sometimes STILL equate ULTIMATE success with being a mother? There are plenty of mothers out there who havent done 1/2 as much as me, yet I see them more successful? I think it is because it is the one thing I can't just acheive. It is the one thing that doesnt compute like 1+1=2. It is the one thing to me, above all worldly things/ideals that means success. Today, 28 years ago, my mother gave birth to me. 5 lbs 8 oz. A bundle of joy. She doesnt have a degree, or a million dollars, but she is a mom---and to me she is what I want to be, SHE is successful. Today I am 28. I feel older. I'm not "college age" and I'm not a "soccer mom"- I am something in-between. Today I am 28 and it feels good to be me.

Baby/Booze

Ladies, ladies, (and any gentlemen too) where have I been you ask? OH my goodness! I have been so busy this cycle. This was my first medicated cycle after 24 cycles of being off BC and 21 cycles of really trying that I took 5mg of Femara on CD 3-7 a 10000 unit trigger on CD 13 and mini trigger of 2500 units of hcg on CD 20 and multiple pokes and prods, ultrasounds, and appointments the last 27 days.

I don’t ever think I have been to the doctor as much as I went this month, which, might I add, is semi difficult when starting back for the school year! The good Lord above did bless me with calm and respectful 10th graders this year so that is good news. Other than that I am on CD 27---sitting and waiting like a kid for the school bus (you know what I'm talking about—any car that turns that corner, any bubble or cramp felt below) I'm going crazy!---We went to the RE yesterday, but to no avail, I still have to wait until CD 31 for my blood test. FOOEY- I know, but that is what’s going on this month. Good news for the month- one big follicle grew from 14 mm to 19 in 2 days, ovulation did occur, and my surgery in July was a success- no bleeding because that darned cyst is GONE! Metformin is being nice to me and I have remembered all meds every day, except last night when I accidentally fell asleep at 9:00 pm watching tv with hubster. Other good news this cycle is that My BIRTHDAY is Sunday! I am ready for my B-day weekend. Pregnant or not, here I come! I'm either celebrating with baby, or celebrating with booze. Hey either way, it’s a positive! (yea right...can you hear me lying to myself?) I want it so bad, (not the margarita, the baby…well ---ok the margarita and the baby but that isn’t possible either way) I'm tired of WAITING darn it! As of today I am waiting on my second progesterone test to come back. If it is high enough, no more mini doses, if not, back to that darn hcg shot of another 2500 units and we all get to wait until Thursday 9/15/11 for answers then. (In case you are wondering why I can’t just take the normal suppository progesterone, we aren’t getting into that convo here) but I can’t! Prayers and luck please- andI’ll keep you posted!

Exciting Updates Everyone

• "Wow" is how I am going to begin this post. Although I am internally speechless, I have news to shout from the mountain tops! I have been officially diagnosed with my PCOS and we have a TREATMENT PLAN! Long story short- it is very possible that we could be pregnant by the end of August (Metformin/Letrozol/Surgery/Luck). Okay okay! If you are like me, you want A.L.L. off the details! Here goes:
• After 20 months of planning our family unsuccessfully, we decided that we would seek more progressive methods and visit a fertility specialist. Thank goodness we did. I almost have been saying to myself, "If only I would have done this last year..." Dr. Schnell, from Houston, Texas- who also works out of an office close to our home, has been treating us. At our first appointment, we discussed our max options, looked over my horrible symptoms from the past few years, and planned out "our plan" to fix me. I did not think I could be fixed, I never dreamed of anyone figuring out exactly what was wrong with me, but she did. After our discussions, we did an ultrasound and a culture and we talked about what was going on "in there." She noticed that one of my ovaries was VERY high, however that wasn't the problem hindering us from babies. It was structural, but also, hormonal. She noticed a small polyp on my uterus. This was the cause for all of my bleeding the last year (and we are talking non-stop bleeding for months and months and months at a time)! She also noticed that my cervix was inflamed and we are getting that under control. But here is what really excited me- she noticed that I have two very large ovaries, one not dominate than the other, both filled with fabulous-ready-to-be-fertilized eggs, and lots of follicles! No blockages, no Endo, nothing else hindering us except a darn polyp and my hormones.
• Here is what is about to happen- On July 22, 2011, I am having out patient surgery so that Dr. Schnell can take out the cyst. ONE WEEK-- yea, I said it- ONE WEEK from my surgery date, we will go in for post op. appointment. She will then make sure I am fine, and give me medication to start my cycle and also put me on (2) 500 ER Metformin pills (to be taken from day 1 of cycle, until my I finish my first trimester) During cycle days 3-7 I will take Letrozole (INN, trade name Femara) 3x's a day. On about cycle day 12 we will go in for an HCG trigger shot to make sure that my body knows what to do....OVULATE! I haven't ovulated since January 31st, so this is exciting! On cycle days 14-16 we will make sure to be baby dancing (however I am not limiting it to just those days) because, really- what if I ovulate sooner/later, right! On Cycle day 21 we will check my levels, I think she said something about giving me a shot of progesterone or something like that. On day 28 we will go back in to her office for a pregnancy test, hoping and praying that if it is God's Will, we see TWO PINK LINES! If not, we will make decisions from there, as far as how many more medicated cycles, when will we do the next, etc... Our cycles are very pricey, along with the initial surgery cost, so we will see. If 2-3 medicated cycles do not work, we will not be seeking any other progressive methods. For now, I am okay with that.
• So as I laid on the medical table yesterday, I realized- I am at the end of this very long stressful and confusing journey, but I am about to start a new one. It will be stressful and long and confusing too, but it will be worth it in the end. Wish us luck and as always, your prayers are appreciated. xoxo annie

Wordless Wednesday:

Construction Zone...Detour Left

I've written this before in my life and I will write it again, because...I believe it. Here's what: I think often times in life we are on the right path, we are traveling at the right speed, and we even have the appropriate passengers in our vehicle. Sometimes (more often than not) we are traveling, unaware of the "construction zones" when we head out that morning, we don’t know (or even give ourselves enough drive time) to know that we have to travel through a construction zone. I hate pot holes, loud roads, and workers wasting my time in the morning when I am headed to work--- sometimes, I pass those workers and they have the audacity to be eating breakfast--not even working! Our lives are like that. We have these plans, this roadmap, we have that Garmin charged up and all the details typed in. Then we get this alarming interruption- construction zones. Our trip still has the same goal; however, in order to get there, we have to detour. Detours aren't fun; they waste my time, and frankly, they just about tick me off. (That’s because I am a pessimist). My husband wouldn’t look at it like that. He would say, "I’m glad we are in this detour, now I get to be with you longer." Or just to make me smile he would say, "Well, at least we get to see a new scenery this time!" That's why I love him-- he is the optimist in my pessimistic world. He is the pinch of sun on my always rainy day. Yet this is what I know-- I know my journey has a destination. I know who I want riding next to me. I know that there will be "construction zones" along the way, a little traffic, a wreck (or two) and we might run out of gas. I also know that, that is okay. What I don’t know is when we will have to detour, how long the detour will be, which hitchhikers we might pick up along the way, and where we will find help getting directions to get back on track. We are all on a journey- we are all headed somewhere. We will all have to take a detour once in a while. I believe that GOD allows for the detours because sometimes the construction zone would be too rough. Sometimes it looks like those workers in the construction zone aren’t working, but they are. What He’s doing is too difficult for our little vehicle of life to endure. We probably won't like going all around a major city to get to one town, but that's what needs to happen. Often times we are on our detour we realize the beauty of it; we are then grateful for it when we look back and see what we might have driven through—realizing we really AREN’T in control of everything.

Captain Writer... She's our Hero

“One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you can’t utter.” – James Earl Jones. As I stumbled across this quote it took the words out of my mouth. I obviously have problems with expressing how I feel face to face with someone else. My meek self would rather be a weak self and hide behind a sheet of paper or a keyboard. That stems from self confidence. I don’t have the confidence to believe that I am smart enough or rational enough or serious enough to be this “writer” that I really am on the inside. This power from writing is only with-in- it’s like a super hero power that is dormant all day, because what I am really feeling on the inside is confusion. All super heroes are like that. They are total opposites of what they turn into when they fight their battles. When I fight a battle, my Super Writing Powers start to erupt and I feel calm amongst the storm. Earth-Wind-Fire- Water—NO….it’s more like: “Mind-Music-Words-Pages, with our powers combined…” When I talk with someone face to face, they can’t see my with-in because I am a great shell- a “well put-together, happy concoction of perfection” in their eyes—in mine, a poker face. I am working on that. I think I don’t want them to see my with-in. It is easier to mask it, than explain it. It is easier to pretend, than to be honest. It is easier to act than it is to direct to play. It is easier to just share my feelings with me.

Today

• Purge time---choose song 31 and follow along as you listen:
• Buried deep as you can dig inside yourself And covered with a perfect shell Such a charming, beautiful exterior Laced with brilliant smiles and shining eyes Perfect posture, but you're barely scraping by But you're barely scraping by
• This is one time, this is one time That you can't fake it hard enough to please everyone Or anyone at all...or anyone at all And the grave that you refuse to leave The refuge that you've built to flee, The places that you've come to fear the most, Is the place that you have come to fear the most.
• Buried deep as you can dig inside yourself And hidden in the public eye Such a stellar monument to loneliness Laced with brilliant smiles and shining eyes Perfect make-up, but you're barely scraping by But you're barely scraping by...
• Well this is one time, well this is one time That you can't fake it hard enough to please everyone Or anyone at all...or anyone at all And the grave that you refuse to leave The refuge that you've built to flee, The places that you've come to fear the most, Is the place that you have come to fear the most.
• And you can't fake it hard enough to please everyone Or anyone at all..or anyone at all And the grave that you refuse to leave The refuge that you've built to flee, The places that you've come to fear the most, Is the place that you've come to fear the most, Is the place that you have come to fear the most.
• I just had to get that out.
• Lyrics: DC-

Country Comes to Town …. (I mean, TOWN Comes to COUNTRY)

Part I: Per the host and friends, I am blogging today about shower etiquette. Now, we all have been to a shower or two or (thirty-six if you are me), and most times- they are for weddings or babies. I had the most fabulous time at a shower this past weekend—the photographer and I (along with the host) were rolling around laughing—secretly of course because we are all friends. You must realize that it wasn’t “Country Come to Town”, rather “TOWN (three city chicks) Come to Country” (the big V). Long story short, they decided I needed to blog about this hillbilly experience, so here goes—the long story for that matter. I headed on down to the big V- country town, aka white-ville USA. When I arrived my poor itty bitty friend was over-hauling an entire community center by herself; this brings me to my first topic: FAMILY. Okay family—here are some basic rules of thumb.1. Don’t say you are arriving at a specific time to only show up AFTER the host and her posse already set up the place. I mean, come on—if you say 11:30 with a party starting at 2, don’t show up with all of your magnificent food at 1:45—that is a MAIN stress as a party planner. Rule 2: When you come to a party, only bring your children if and ONLY IF you can “handle” them. When I see your five year old “perfect princess” playing on the restroom floor, I would really like to NOT see her sticking her fingers in all seventy-five cupcakes- mmm k! That was about enough to gross out anyone (anyone paying attention to detail, that is). Thank goodness I was friends with the host; she went on a “secret mission” to dispose of the toxic cupcake/s. Let’s go ahead and transition right along to my NEXT topic: Food—yes, food. IF and WHEN you bring an item to a party you are (in a sense) donating that item to the party. Unless the host specifically asks you to bring food home when we are cleaning up, don’t bring your extra home food! As D____ and I watched closely, before the shower was over, a guest that brought a fruit tray decided to leave early…and so did her fruit tray! We laughed hysterically: “Maybe this is the way country-folk do things” we thought. I mean, a half eaten fruit tray…what were you going to do with it, bring it to work—(mind you everyone at the shower had eaten most of it) so we sat there giggling as Auntie “Mabel” seized the fruit tray as if it had grown legs and was going to take off. Of course some of you might be thinking that I am being very particular- however we are making “light” of this shower--- because, well- there is an ocean of drama behind it. As D___ and I laughed, the guests were getting impatient, which brings me to my last topic for Part I of this crazy country experience: Gifts. This one kept us amused most of the party. When I say gifts…this family thinks: rivalry. YES- competitions between sides and siblings, competitions between aunts and cousins… The party started at 2—at 1:45, when the gifts started to arrive, we were baffled that the gift table was full from only two of the forty-eight guests! Mountains of gifts large and small, cute and awkward looking were stacked to the ceiling- we could barely see the honoree and all for the satisfaction of out-doing one another. But as my eye for detail zoomed in, I had to laugh. Now, I am NOT claiming to be an expert gift wrapper, HOWEVER my mother is (so she usually does this for me) because, remember—it isn’t only about the gift, but also about the presentation! When my meticulous eye caught a few gifts peeping through their one inch slits on the bottom of the present- I was giggling inside- I could hear my mother saying, ”Annie, NO, you do not do that!—Give it here and just let me wrap it.” (If you aren’t laughing, well- I guess you kind of had to BEE there). I could tell that these people weren’t into quality, rather quantity--- remember we are in the country—where they do all things BIGGER (from cows to gifts, they don’t care what they look like, just as long as they are “good”). As I wrap up Part I of this country-tastic shower-journey, remember there will be a Part II of TOWN Comes to COUNTRY later this week. I hope you got your laugh of the day. And always remember…be very careful when you choose your cupcake at a shower!

It's My Friendiversary

One of my fondest memories was that where we were sitting in American Literature- Gwyn's class I think, or it could have also been Issues in Language and Literature with Yearwood. Either way- in 2004 we were taking full loads of 18 hours and splitting a pack of Peanut M & M's for dinner-because at 128 pounds we were both on Weight Watchers, and a three point dinner of M&M's was just a fabulous idea--- (yeah right). My friend was always called Elizabeth (even though her name was Stephanie-- however we were to scared to correct the professor. We go W.A.Y back, but it wasn't until college that we started to hang out. We played basketball together and even had a few parties in middle school but it was in college when our friendship REALLY flourished. In 2005, she got engaged and asked me in the library to be her bridesmaid. Long story short- that relationship didn't work out- BUT WE DID! We did everything together. We even "danced" together. Oh how I remember the days when we would get distracted doing our projects because "Milkshake"/"Make Me Loose My Breath"/ "Goodies"/"Freek a Leek" or "Bounce" would come on- we'd stop do our "thang" and giggle. Even though I was the dancer, she taught me how to WORK it in "da club" I can't wipe the smile off of my face thinking of those "simple days" where we'd give anything to be more grown up than we really were. Our week days were spent on campus and our weekends in the club-- Now our weekdays are spent teaching HS English and the weekends are spent recovering from those teenagers. We were crazy and still are! We both got married-- how our hubby's put up with our crazy butts, who knows! Fast forwarding to 2011. We have completely changed inside AND out! The 128 pound Weight Watcher weirdos that got looks when we weighed in at meetings are now still on Weight Watchers, and in worse shape! But what hasn't changed is our love for one another. 6 years ago, we were (guess where)????---the CLUB and it was Cinco De Mayo. It was super Cinco (5/5/05)- and on that Super Cinco we declared it our Friend Anniversary or Friendiversary. Happy Friendiversary--- Stephanie King Fulbright. You are the sister I never had. Look how far we've come...

The Inside of the Outside

• When one stuffs emotions they know there is only so much room. Eventually, it all has to come up- for me that is figurative, in writing- but sometimes it is literal, with my heart burn- literally heart burn when I am stressed (OUCH- gotta love those TUMS). Writing for me, is a "purging of emotions"-- a healing of the soul. On the outside, I am happy and fabulous. For the most part, I have an "easy" life-- where everything is great (not perfect-- who am I kidding) and it goes just my way. Inside it's a tornado. A whirlwind of emotions that get stuffed down day after day. It's is a war between the heart and the mind. A difficulty. A confusion.

• Outside, I am "put together." Inside, I am falling a part. Outside, I smile. Inside, I forgot how to. Outside, I control everything. Inside, everything controls me. Outside, I know who I am. Inside, I am still searching. Outside, I am intelligent and can manage all things. Inside, I know nothing and can't do two things at once. On the outside, It's sunny. On the inside, It's a rainy day. Outside, I am the life of the party. Inside, I am the party of one.

• On the outside I take control like this "It is MY blog. MY feelings. This blog is MY healing process. Let it be" On the inside, I lose control like this, "I am too scared to write on MY blog about MY feelings and talk about MY healing process." It is then that I realize, on the outside I am a writer, and on the inside, I have nothing to say.

It is What it Is.

As I was reminded yesterday, "In life we have many chapters." For some reason I find comfort in comparing my life to non life- and as I typed that I realized that I've compared my life before to books, to chapters, caterpillars, and to butterflies-- all of which are a form of life --fantasy or real-- all of which are things that have "chapters" or natural progression. After having my eye on a new book, the first thing I do is smell it, feel it, flip through it. After reading it sometime- I progress- chapter by chapter. It doesn't necessarily mean I can't go back to a previous one. As does everyone else, when I read a novel, I read chronologically, then when I pick up on a theme I'll go back and re-read that theme into a previously read chapter- searching for the hints and clues. It's my style. I like to be able to deconstruct things. I habitually over-analyze my thoughts so I can be sure of myself. I like to be able to go back and see things the second time that I didn't the first. Sometimes new chapters can be scary. You aren't really sure how the book will end- where it will turn, when it will stop, why it continues- but what I do know is this- you can't put it down. You aren't done until you are done. It takes up your energy, your time, and all the quiet in your mind fills up. You might even check out other novels by that author since you like their style. You get "stuck." Your focus on one thing makes everything else in your life unfocused. I was later reminded yesterday that those feelings are "organized chaos"- to make it easy on yourself, go with the confusion; it "comfortable-uncomfortableness" Even though you don't understand it--love it (it isn't permanent) -- it's organized chaos.

Sweet Sounds of Silence

I walked in. I was crying for her; she was crying for me. It was a heart felt moment. Something I had never gone through. This moment will be in my top 5 all time memorable moments of my life. As I stood outside of Room 319, I heard screams, then crying, and then... He was here; M_____. I had been preparing myself for my best friend to have her baby, for nearly 10 months...but nothing can prepare you for the feeling of LIFE. Nothing can describe the feeling in my heart as I walked in the room and looked. She was there, holding her new, perfect baby. When I looked into my best friends eyes, I could read her heart. It was 30 seconds of unspoken tears that connected us. 30 seconds of looking into each other, without saying one word, but clearly speaking to one another. It was 30 seconds of happiness and 30 seconds of sadness. It was 30 seconds of a feeling I have never felt before. It was 30 seconds of feeling like we were the only two in the room sharing this moment. My best friend had just had her baby boy. Of course every fiber of my being was excited. But in that very moment...she was crying and I was crying. I felt like we could read each other's minds. I felt like she was saying, "I am so relieved he is finally here. I know how much you want a baby and I love you for being here today to hear him when he took his first breath- you will have this moment in your life one day, I know it-- I am scared to death to be a mom, and I love you as a friend so very much. I am sorry you are hurting within your happiness." And I was saying, "I am so relieved he is here! You have just brought this new, beautiful boy to life and you are going to be a wonderful mother. I know you love him with all your being and I am so excited for you. I am scared to death that one day I won't get to feel how it feels to become a mother I love you as a friend , so very much. I am sorry you had to endure so much pain today." The unspoken tears of that moment were indescribable. It is a feeling that another friend calls, "happy-sad" a feeling that is confusing. Worries and wonders filled up my head and although I tried to drain them, my drain was clogged. What happens when your drain is clogged? Nothing will go down. Nothing is settled even though every fiber of your being wants them to drain. Your head and your heart are confused, and the feeling is somewhere lodged "in your throat" as another friend describes. The feeling of being to scared to tell God how you really feel, makes you sick at your stomach. And I dream of it leaving. I have compared it many times before to a "partly cloudy day" it seems on those days the sun can never make up its mind- does it want to shine like it should, or hide behind a comfy cloud? I love my friend. I love M_____. But this new experience has my feelings in my heart and in my brain all confused! One day, I'll figure it out. Until then, I have a friend with a new baby and I am going to enjoy every minute of it, even if the Devil tries to clog my drain. M____ was 8lbs 12 oz 21 inches long. He is a spitting image of his daddy (except for that nose, which is his Momma's) and will be FOREVER a part of my life. More pictures to come, unfortunately I haven't gotten to hold him but for about 3 minutes because y'all know how babies are: feed, sleep, poop- repeat! Hopefully soon I can "get my baby fix!"

GIRL! Let Me Tell You!

• Okay peeps. Let me TELL you what ticked me off this weekend. Well, first off- I will NEVER, NEVER, never go to Chili's Bar & Grill -- EVER again (in my entire life). Conveniently Hubbs and I have a Chili's about 5-6 miles from where we live, and we used to go often and haven't been since I started WW. So, Saturday after weigh in, I hadn't seen the hubbs in a few days due to work and we decided to go there.
• Yea.....ummmm have you ever seen their Nutrition Facts? Why don't you go ahead and look up what you would normally eat at Chili's and you probably WILL NEVER go back! click here:
• http://www.chilis.com/en/nutritional%20information/chilis_nutrition_menu_generic.pdf
• So. I know on WW that you must PLAN to be successful, however we went on a whim and I decided to order the big mouth bites- (mini cheese burgers) so....yea- THANK GOD I only ate 1/2 (2 small burgers)! According to the nutrition facts, an entire plate with ranch-- which I didn't have, and (I don't know if the fries were counted in the points value) but it was all 50 points and look at the FAT in all of their items! YES 4 burgers fries included, again I am not sure, but it came to 50 points! W.O.W.
• I ate 2 without ranch and no FF. I counted the two burgers for 20 points. DO YOU KNOW WHAT I COULD EAT FOR 20????? HELLO!!! So, Girl, let me tell YOU~ and anybody else out there reading my blog-- STAY THE HECK away from Chili's Bar & Grill.

I Love the 80's-- WW update

• Whoop Whoop! That's right people--- I am offically in the 180s! I reached my goal of 188 this week. Here is what worked this week:
• FIRST : I set goals and wrote them on the refrigerator--- Last week I weighed in at 191.6- so this week I decided to PUSH myself and set the goal of 188. I didnt care if it was 188.9 (if it said 188 on the scale I was going to get a pedicure this weekend) I weighed in on Friday just to see, and sure enough- 188.8- so lets see if I can continue to drop!
• SECOND: I exercised- almost every day--- including the walking I'm going to do tonight, I will have exercised 6 days this week- AND THAT'S GREAT!
• THIRD: I made a promse to myself that I would only eat 1/2 of my 49 FLEX points (infact, I have 29 flex points left and 20 activity points) So I did BETTER than what I promised.

• FOURTH- I took my Metformin EVERY DAY :)
• Overall, I was more concious of my eating habits. If I splurged at lunch, then I ate Special K for dinner. If I was hungry, I asked myself the age old WW question, "Could you eat a can a green beans?" If the answer was YES, then I ate what I wanted. I also lived by this Bethenney Frankel Quote--"You can have it all, just not all at once."

10 days of learning

So far I have been eating Weight Watcher style for 10 days. I started March 21st. I am very proud of myself for what I have accomplished. In the past, I would never recognize any accomplishments, be it cooking dinner or folding clothes after a long day at work. But I believe it is necessary to "pat yourself on the back." I realized this today: when the one thing that bothers me the most about me is out of control, everything is out of control. This week I learned that sometimes we have blockages in our lives. If you have a blockage in your life (like most people do) it hinders you from being at your full potential. My blockage is my weight- which causes a chain of other "enablers." This month I noticed that I got more things done and accomplished "small things" cleaning up the kitchen every day, paying bills on time, staying on top of my spending, being more organized with laundry, eating for my health more than eating for my depression. This all make me very happy. As Me Month comes to an end- I challenge you to find the blockage in you life--- one step at at time, the blockage starts to disappear. Have a great day all of you! Speaking of blockages, I have set aside my weekly flex points for ww--- I have chosen to block my arteries on Saturday, Cody and I are going to the fair and I am having a donut burger- (yes, a cheeseburger with two glazed donuts as the bun!) It makes me smile! 23 points of bliss!

All Aboard! Journey 55--- Next stop, Skinnyville USA

Well, I am back on the band-wagon! It's officially my "first day" of Spring Break... and if I don't stop right now and congratulate myself, I will never give myself credit. SO! I got a TON done today- cleaned and organized my house, went to the grocery store, cooked dinner and dessert, cleaned up the kitchen from dinner, balanced my checking account with my hubby and paid bills, and folded clothes, washed clothes, folded clothes! I think I am mighty powerful as a "stay at home wife" (well, on SB and in the summer time anyway!) Go me! Oh, I forgot to mention the most important thing I did today- I started Journey 55. It is my 55 pound journey to weight loss, and I am doing it with the help of Weight Watchers. What better time to join online than now, you get TWO free weeks and after the $55.00 that I paid to start this 55 pound process, a mere $17.95 a month is NOTHING! I am pumped. Not as excited as I have been in the past about starting a diet, but more open-minded, which is probably a good thing--I was sick for so long, that I feel I wasted time, so now I am beyond ready to start feeling better again like I did in January (I know--long time to be sick huh?) I have a real good feeling about starting this healthy eating plan. I have been "dieting" long enough in my life to know that WW is pretty easily adapted to ANY life style and is the most convenient eating plan for life- so with small changes, a WW buddy at work (Gina) and a WW buddy at home (My Mom) a WW buddy on blog spot (Brandi) I should be held accountable wherever I go. Soon I will have another WW buddy- my girlfriend, Steph, but we must wait until baby Mason arrives in April before she can start! So with 3 and almost 4 WW buddies- This journey will be more like a girls trip to Skinny-ville and I am looking forward to it! Peace out- Annie B

SPRINGing back into the swing of things...

• Spring has sprung! I know you all have been wondering if I fell off the face of the Earth, and well, I kind of did! I was very sick for about 6 weeks. I couldn't get over it! Major Sinus infection, which was causing some pretty bad coughing. I was at home for about 12-15 days trying to get better. I went to the doctor 3 times and finally was referred to the E-N-T for allergies and a blocked sinus cavity! I am finally better but realized, "Hey! I've wasted so much time being sick, I haven't done anything productive. For starters, I lost about 5 pounds, just from being sick- but other than that, I didn't lose any weight. Then I was on so much medication that I didn't really eat regularly, so guess what...I didn't take my Metformin. BOOOO! Bad Annie! Last but not least... I didn't work out at all! Now I'm playing catch up and I am so busy getting my house back to normal and my work stuff done, that I am too tired! But there is hope---
• As you might know, I am a teacher and next week is SPRING BREAK! WoooOO HooOOOoo!

• So, I'm taking my days next week to relax and get back into the SPRING of things :0)

• I have got to start walking and eating better. I have to get back on my meds. I always ask myself, "Is it that you don't want a baby?" "No? WELL GET TO WORK MISSY"! After some quiet time this week, I realized what is stopping me....fear (shhhh) I said it in tiny words because I don't want fear to know that it has got the "best of me."If I lose weight guess what has to happen next, every thing that I have been wanting so long. It is kind of like this-
• Is losing weight and getting healthy a choice, or a chore? It is a CHOICE! It isn't like unloading the dishwasher, it isn't like paying the electric bill, it isn't like going grocery shopping. It isn't a chore. It is a choice. And right now, I am deliberately choosing to waste my time because I am scared of failing. I am dedicated enough to finish school and teach 125 10th graders in an inner city school. I am brave enough to live in the same town in which the school I was working at slung my name through the mud when I was innocent. I have enough power to not be ashamed to go to counseling and talk about my problems with people that might one day judge me, so why in the HELL am I scared to lose 10,20,30, Heck 60 pounds? Because it is a choice, but it is a choice to do something I've never EVER done.
• I am so cyclical. I say I am going to do something, I get motivated, then I find excuses when I am stressed or tired. I am A-D-D to my own life. My mom was joking with me the other day saying "You can only focus on one thing at a time, lose weight or work--- but you can't do both." Even though she was joking- SHE WAS RIGHT! I spread myself SO thin to work and relationships, and going and going and going, church, and family, and LIFE that I put ME on the back-burner.
• So, last week I decided it was ME MONTH- Hell, Me YEAR! As the next thing to sign up for at church came up, I didn't sign up. And as this or that friend called to ask me to do something I declined. As I continued to leave work with my "glass empty" I decided that my husband deserved getting some of my energy every night too, so I started leaving with it "half empty."(baby steps)
• I'm taking some "chill time" right now. My teaching partner and I are kicking off the return of Spring Break with Weight Watchers---slow and steady wins the race! I think I am going to start during spring break just to get me feeling better...(she can not, she will be at Disney World!) So, I'm spending some good ol' quality time with Annie B. Ill be checking in soon! I hope all is well with you-- even though I haven't been blogging, I've been a blog stalker and I have been checking in with you!

Husbands...

Husbands. They are the best. For the most part. I love my husband. I never really talk about him. So I decided that I will:

• H-Holds me when I'm sad for no reason
• U-understands why I am happy one minute and sad the next---updates my ipod
• S-stands by all my decisions- good and bad- and secures my doubts
• B-bakes dinner when I don't "feel" like being a "housewife" and whips up random goodness
• A- always takes me into consideration when he makes family decisions for us
• N-Never eats the last bite of a really good dish with out giving it to me (very important)---nurses me back to health--never doubts my intelligence
• D- does dishes---does laundry---dries my tears---decorates outside for Christmas when he doesn't want to---dates me on the weekends---directs me when I am lost---decreases my stress!

He loves me for me- which means he loves me when I haven't washed my hair, He loves me when he comes home at 4:00 pm on a Saturday and I'm still in my PJ's. He loves me for my ignorance of geography- especially the locations of Alaska and Hawaii. He loves me for running the bank account down to 1.27 until pay day. He loves me for making excuses for everything I do in life, and most of all he loves me for what I used to be, what I have become, and what I will be in the future.

I love my hubby---CODY you are WONDERFUL & I love you.

Firing The Hall Monitor & Other Wishes...

-One of my fellow blogger friends posted this morning about weight/goals. Her main question was: if someone told you you could get pregnant, if all you had to do was lose weight, and maybe take Metformin, would you do it?

-At first glance- HECK YES! Well, because that seems easy. But I was thinking okay, you just told yourself you could get pregnant if you lost weight, so AGAIN- why are you overweight if it is sooo easy....that should be ENOUGH motivation! A baby is a wonderful reward!

-But a losing weight is a goal that is intangible. It is hard to imagine. It kind of is immeasurable as well. You cannot calculate it, you cannot touch it-- it is merely an image, a want, a dream......

-And so is a baby. So why do so many people not lose weight if they want a child? If you cannot imagine having one- it is hard to "work towards one" You can dream it, think of it, wish it and want it, but you still can not touch it....so your goal to lose weight slips through your finger tips.

-In my life I have achieved many goals- graduating, earning a degree, getting married, buying a home, purchasing a car, becoming a teacher etc, etc. but losing weight is different than all those. All of those things you can touch, see, and measure.

-If you want to earn a degree in college, you have to do certain things- you have to follow a plan. No, you haven't ever done it before- HOWEVER it is a "step-by-step process" For weight, though, it doesn't seem that easy- it isn't so "step-by-step" For example, I have never achieved losing weight, so to me- it is immeasurable- can't even count the steps, when I try to make it measurable and think- I can lose 2 lbs a week x ____ weeks to get to _____ weight. But then it doesn't happen, so I really cannot say in x amount of time I will have this: _______, like I would if I were getting married, buying a car, a home, or earning a degree or becoming a teacher--thus, losing weight cannot even fit into the "Goal" category- it must fit into the "Life" category.

-Life things, to me, are things you can't touch, measure, or see- Life time wishes are things you want, but cannot see- things you hope for, but aren't sure how you will get there--things that have no path at all--things that will fluctuate--things that aren't certain. Things that don't really have a road-map. You cannot really say in X amount of time I will lose this much weight, because you don't know. That is what makes it so hard. But you can say in X amount of time I will be a teacher, after I take all of these courses, or in X amount of time I will get married, after I do all this planning... etc, etc.

-The wish of losing weight is much different than anything else I have "reached". You have to keep trying, sometimes even when the end cannot be seen. That, for me, is where I give up. If I cannot see it, I tend to give up on myself- which is disappointing. So, yes, yep, Heck YEA even though I want a baby- I want to lose 40 pounds, I want to be healthy...I don't know how to reach those wants, because I have never obtained them. I try to plan, but I fail- and since PCOS doesn't make it easy, I give up easier.

-If I lose 40 pounds, then gain it all back, I then learn HOW to lose 40 pounds. If I have a baby, then want another, I then learn exactly what to do to HAVE a baby, I realized what worked for me the time before.--with intangible life wishes, you have to do this- this is the only way for one to measure.

-For now, all those wishes seem so far away so immeasurable... Sometimes I think- "don't think about it" and it will happen...STOP giving up- but all the negative thoughts from others run through my head like a hall monitor in a middle school--- one of the annoying ones that gets you every time...one the hall monitors that won't even let you poke your head out the door or get a taste of that cold water from the fountain....that hall monitor that needs to be fired- and she says "well, cut your portion sizes...it worked for me, maybe you need to be positive and God will bless you with a child, maybe if you go to they gym...., give up this, give up that, sabotage yourself by looking at smaller clothes or better pictures of yourself... stop making excuses...just do it, we are all tired of hearing about it..." I sometimes wish I could fire the hall monitor, but I am just a "student" and I can't. I am just ignorant, especially when it comes to my wishes. I cannot imagine them coming true...so I kind of, well, give up. The hole inside is much easier filled with food than a baby or buying a size 8 pant...because the food, I can touch, it is instant-- the baby---no...

-Well then I have to ask myself, maybe you don't really want it then? But just as I typed those words....I realized they weren't my words- that was that controlling hall monitor trying to control me....and I think she really hates her job---(you know those people, that hate their job, they make everyone else miserable) yep- she is one of those---

-On a positive note, instead of giving up, I should "just keep swimming, swimming, swimming...just keep swimming..." and maybe one day I will learn what to do to make my dreams, my reality. And on an even MORE positive note---I fired my Hall Monitor! Go ahead, fire your Hall Monitor too- it felt really REALLY good! She didn't deserve working for ME anyway!

My Great Aunt Died

-So, it's raining today here in Texas! I like the idea of rainy days, but I really do not enjoy getting out in the rain- especially when you mix any percentage of humidity with with rain! I like rainy days if I can stay in my "sleepy pants" (my pj's) (my jammies) (my comfy clothes) or whatever you call 'em! Today, fortunately, I get to- kind of- we have a "teacher workday" why? Who the HECK knows--- no one is actually "working" nor am I (shhh....I'm sneaking in a blog post....). Today I decided to wear my velour pants and jacket because I just wanted to be coZy, and I am cozy.

-So far, January hasn't been too unproductive- I attempted "The Daniel Fast" which made me feel great, I continued going to counseling, I opened my heart to a new friendship, I got more organized, I cleaned house more, I lost a few pounds- and the good thing is- January is OVER! I still have time to get back on track! I kinda got off of my "eating clean" plan, and "going to the gym" thing I was doing after Thanksgiving, but the good news is- I am okay!

-It is so weird how eating and the weather are VERY connected to my depression. 1 week after eating junk, I started to ALMOST slip back into that helpless state- after my 2 hour pity party on Friday, I was okay. In my private writings, I have compared "depression" to a person: "Great-Aunt Depression." You see, depression is like that distant relative that shows up on your doorstep, unexpectedly, unannounced, yet works her way into your life. She annoys your friends and family, she 'butts' in to everything your are interested in, she is very rude, she is extremely bitter, and to top it off- she 'wears out her welcome' I mean, she can't even figure out WHEN TO GO BACK HOME, and obviously, she enjoys making your life a living Hell! So, after not asking if she could even stay the night, her night turns into a week, a month, a year, a few years; you find yourself in guilt by not pushing her out, after all she is YOUR relative! The only way out, is if she dies! And when she does you realize how many people aren't your friends anymore because of her, you realize how your relationships have changed because of her, and you realize how you, in a way, have become her- bitter and sad. But it only takes a few days to change- because once she is gone- you slowly start to realize that you hate her and you never want to be like her! Depression is like that for me: a distant relative.

-So, after three years, my "Great Aunt Depression" died. I woke up and realized. And when I realized that most all the people I thought were my friends, found better things to do, better people to call, more fabulous people to have over on the weekends, funnier people to go to dinner with, happier people to entertain- then I had to accept that. The happy loss, is Great Aunt Depression, the sad loss is the loss of the people you really thought were your friends but were tired of your intruder- so decided it would be best to leave.

-Most days I am okay. Some days I am regretful. Few days I am lonely. Hardly any days do I feel depressed. I know I am making progress. I saw a quote about progress today that I liked. "Progress isn't accomplishing one big journey; the journey to success is made up of a series of steps, some of which allow you to make progress and others that allow you to learn important lessons you need." I can see the sun, but it's parly behind the clouds- I just have to be patient.

Daniel Fast Food Ideas

okay ladies, I attemtpted "The Daniel Fast." If you haven't heard of it, it is a biblical fast. I think I came across it on one of my PCOS sites or maybe it was on the radio (I listen to Christian Music- and someone was talking about it) okay, so yes- I attemped the Daniel Fast. You can do a 10 or 21 day commitment. I got to 14 days (hey, but that is better than I THOUGHT I would have done!) SO yes, here is the run down of what you can eat: 1. All fruits 2. All Veggies 3. Whole grains 4. Oats/Seeds 5. Water Water Water NOTHING else to drink, no tea, no juice, no soda--NOTHING! And here.... are the "No-No" items: 1. No sugar 2. No artifical sweetners 3. No dairy 4. No white breads 5. No Caffeine 6. No Meat 7. No processed foods, or foods with un-pronouncable chemicals

St. Jerome states, "When the stomache is full, it is easy to talk of fasting." HECK YEA it is! On January 2 when you are sick to your tummy from all the holiday binging..all you can think about is fasting. So, Cody and I started Monday, January 3- It was painful, but in a good way! After the first week, we actually felt GOOD! After the second week, we felt GREAT. Then temptation set in. I blew it. I had a diet coke after 14 days. I was SO let down. I really need to get back on the "bandwagon" and start up again, we have been off 3 days. I know that doesnt seem like alot, but hey, eating the "Daniel Fast" way and taking my Metformin, was leaving me with NO side effects. When I started eating processed foods and sugar again, I started to get tummy aches and nausea with my new meds. So, looks like I am going to the store TONIGHT, and fasting until February 3, which is the begining day of my weekend church retreat. That means 14 days on, break, then another 14 days. In that 14 day period I need to come up with a plan that allows me to incorporate MOST of the "Daniel Fast" eating plan with other healthy foods like dairy (especially for fertility) lean meats, and unsweetened iced tea- for my caffiene. I just want you all to know, that I did not have ONE caffiene headache and I pretty much bleed diet coke; when I got off cold-turkey that Monday of the fast, I prepared to have lots of headaches, but I actually felt better than before and never suffered (that's a God thing)! Also, with the Daniel fast, I did not lose any weight (that is a PCOS thing), but I did start taking my Metformin days 12, 13, and 14 of the fast and when I weighed in last saturday, I lost 3 pounds. For some of you that's easy, but for me and my PCOS sisters, that is massively hard! 3 pounds for someone with PCOS is like working off 10 pounds for a normal person! So, yea- bummed that I got off, but hey, I am human...I am getting back on track TOMORROW! Oh, and I wanted to give my peeps some food ideas as well (for all the Daniel Fast-ers out there) this is what Cody and I ate:

*****Breakfast ideas: 1.plain instant oatmeal, with raisins and apples 2. all natural, sugar free apple sauce 3. fruit 4. low carb tortilla with a tiny amount of all natural peanut butter in it (Skippy Cruchy All Natual is my favorive)- 3 sugars, but if you use 1 Tblsp instead of the two, you only get about 1.5 sugars- that is really as "natural" as you can get, and still taste good! 5. Gluten free, sugar free (sweetened with fruit juice) blueberry waffles- frozen in the gluten free section of the grocery store, "Vans Natural Foods"-- yummy fresh out of the oven topped with smart balance "butter" 6. all natural Raspberry fig bars (our grocery store, HEB, has an entire section of granola and other cool products like dried fruit and natural stuff) it is like going to the candy store, but for health foodies...you get a bag, reach in grab items, weigh and label... over in that section, are these Raspberry Fig bars and other trail mixes. 7. Granola (love the blueberry and the orange/almond-- at HEB too!

***** Lunch Ideas: 1. Amy's Frozen Organic whole wheat bean and rice burrito with salsa 2. Amy's Organic Black Bean Enchilada, with corn and rice and salsa 3. Salad (I used a clear dressing- you are supposed to make your own with oil and vinegar, but i used a clear, low fat dressing, and the sugars were only at 2-3 because I didn't use alot of dressing) 4. Whole Wheat Pita packed with veggies and soy cheese 5. Healthy Choice Mixers (the pasta mixer with the red marinara sauce and no meat) it is called (Zesty Rotini Ithink, it will be in the grocery story around all the other rice/pasta items totally great and has LOTS of fiber to keep you full) 6. Leftovers from dinner the night before

7. Soup

***** Dinner ideas: 1. Pita pizza (OUR FAVORITE!) get a whole wheat pita, spread a little warmed, Smart balance butter and garlic on it" broil) then take it out of the oven, use some left over pasta sauce or get a low sugar pizza sauce, spread. Top with Soy mozzarella cheese and tons of veggies. Place it back in the oven for about 5 minutes on high (450) and then I always broil the last 2 minutes because I like the "cheese" brown" 2. Boca burger patties, plain no bun, with sides 3. Quinoa chicken (veggie and soy chicken nuggets) 4. Quinoa Turkey loaf (veggie, but the texture is REALLY like turkey! 5. Veggie smart ground beef, chicken cutlets, 6. Morning Star Chicken patties, with a baked potato and some other veggies 7. A crockpot of beans (15 bean soup/ pintos or white northerns are my fav) 8. Vegetable Soup

9. Salad

10. Nachos, with whole grain corn chips, beans, soy cheese, guacamole, and salsa

*****Snacks: 1. Applesauce 2. carrots and clear/light dressing 3. banana with a tiny smear of pb 4. melba toast with salsa 5. Almonds/Seeds 6. trail mix (love one from HEB with coconut, dried cranberries, and nuts) mmm- that is my movie mix! 7. Fig bar 8. Cherrie tomatoes with salt and pepper 9. Guacamole and light whole grain chips 10. Popcorn! love the smart bags I hope this helps all my Fast-ers, and if you don't think you can do it, try it for 10 days, you will feel wonderful. oh, PS-- let me know how you do, if you decide to try it!

PCO-MesS

Well...well, the "cat's out of the bag"--no pun intended! My PCOS diagnosis has been definitely confirmed. If I knew then, what I know now- all of my worries, weight gain, and workouts could have been "fixed". Let me take you down this messy road with a time line:

1. 2000- put on BC for not having a period/

2.2003-rapid weight gain, from 118-135 pounds- thyroid checked = normal tests/

3.2004 Joined WW, unsuccessful /

4. 2005-rapid weigh gain from 135-150 taking lots of college hours, got engaged /

5. 2006-got married, lost about 5 pounds, but had to work out all year and eat perfectly /

6. 2007- rapid weight gain, 150-165- thyroid checked again= normal tests/

7. 2008- lost about 10 pounds, going to the gym twice a day and eating only salads /

8. 2008- depression sets in (job related) rapid weigh gain from 155-170/

9. 2009- new job, new stress trying for a baby, got off BC and cant stop gaining weight, 170-180/

10. 2010- gained even more weight- now at 190, TTC for 9 months at this point, when I got off BC my periods went to a normal state, then in July, they stopped. Pregnancy test- negative after 60 days late. After months of not having a cycle, then starting in October, my body could not stop I had a period for about 65 days straight. I continued to go to the doctor for testing but they couldn't "find" anything, and well, at this point I was tired of paying Co-pays for "normalcy" /

11. Dec- 2010- 15 months of TTC, unsuccessful- testosterone testing.

Okay, so, you are all up-to-date! After this LONG journey of weight gain, depression, and overcoming depression, counseling, and TTC- (however not as long as some of you have been) I FINALLY have answers! I am so happy. In December, the doctor took one look at me and said, "I think you have PCOS." when she said it, everything clicked. Everything that happened to me in the last 10 years, made sense. For the next 3 weeks, I put my fingers to work on my iPhone and on the computer. I was glued to reading Internet responses and questions about PCOS; I then ventured to YouTube, where I discovered my hope. "akgirl26" a.k.a- http://pcosmom29.blogspot.com/ WOW, answers. I was "addicted" to her videos. It seemed like what she was vloging about, I needed answers to! She was successful in a pregnancy after Clomid and Metformin, after years of infertility- so I had hope--Brandi-- Thank YOU so much for your story, you have helped me and kept me positive for the last month. After some research, I started praying that my doctor wouldn't just put me on Clomid to get pregnant and make me happy, but that she would put me on Metformin first, so I could finally lose weight, feel better, and actually ovulate-- and possibly get pregnant on my own, since 2010 was an "ovulation hiatus year for me! Okay, back to the story--I had the Testosterone Testing done at my OB/GYN, it came back 3 weeks later when hubby's testing came back. Testosterone was elevated- the doctor called, and decided to put me on METFORMIN! I took a sigh of relief. I could breath, I could conquer the world, I could actually believe that one day- I too, could have a baby in my belly. I started the Metformin tonight, so far, so good. I had actually been fasting for the last 13 days- I was doing a "Daniel fast" cleansing my body for the new year, in HOPES to lose weight. Even with eating only fruits, veggies, brown grains, no sugar, no art. sugar, no caffeine, no white starchy carbohydrates, and only water for 21 days, I DIDN'T LOSE A POUND. I was overwhelmed with content when she put me on Metformin- i just thought for a moment, that THIS DRUG could help me get down to a normal range, it will help me ovulate, it will help me not have acne, it will help my little bald spots on my head, it will help me! I know this has been a L O N G update, but I just wanted to share that my PCO-mesS is now, just PCOS.