Firing The Hall Monitor & Other Wishes...

-One of my fellow blogger friends posted this morning about weight/goals. Her main question was: if someone told you you could get pregnant, if all you had to do was lose weight, and maybe take Metformin, would you do it?

-At first glance- HECK YES! Well, because that seems easy. But I was thinking okay, you just told yourself you could get pregnant if you lost weight, so AGAIN- why are you overweight if it is sooo easy....that should be ENOUGH motivation! A baby is a wonderful reward!

-But a losing weight is a goal that is intangible. It is hard to imagine. It kind of is immeasurable as well. You cannot calculate it, you cannot touch it-- it is merely an image, a want, a dream......

-And so is a baby. So why do so many people not lose weight if they want a child? If you cannot imagine having one- it is hard to "work towards one" You can dream it, think of it, wish it and want it, but you still can not touch it....so your goal to lose weight slips through your finger tips.

-In my life I have achieved many goals- graduating, earning a degree, getting married, buying a home, purchasing a car, becoming a teacher etc, etc. but losing weight is different than all those. All of those things you can touch, see, and measure.

-If you want to earn a degree in college, you have to do certain things- you have to follow a plan. No, you haven't ever done it before- HOWEVER it is a "step-by-step process" For weight, though, it doesn't seem that easy- it isn't so "step-by-step" For example, I have never achieved losing weight, so to me- it is immeasurable- can't even count the steps, when I try to make it measurable and think- I can lose 2 lbs a week x ____ weeks to get to _____ weight. But then it doesn't happen, so I really cannot say in x amount of time I will have this: _______, like I would if I were getting married, buying a car, a home, or earning a degree or becoming a teacher--thus, losing weight cannot even fit into the "Goal" category- it must fit into the "Life" category.

-Life things, to me, are things you can't touch, measure, or see- Life time wishes are things you want, but cannot see- things you hope for, but aren't sure how you will get there--things that have no path at all--things that will fluctuate--things that aren't certain. Things that don't really have a road-map. You cannot really say in X amount of time I will lose this much weight, because you don't know. That is what makes it so hard. But you can say in X amount of time I will be a teacher, after I take all of these courses, or in X amount of time I will get married, after I do all this planning... etc, etc.

-The wish of losing weight is much different than anything else I have "reached". You have to keep trying, sometimes even when the end cannot be seen. That, for me, is where I give up. If I cannot see it, I tend to give up on myself- which is disappointing. So, yes, yep, Heck YEA even though I want a baby- I want to lose 40 pounds, I want to be healthy...I don't know how to reach those wants, because I have never obtained them. I try to plan, but I fail- and since PCOS doesn't make it easy, I give up easier.

-If I lose 40 pounds, then gain it all back, I then learn HOW to lose 40 pounds. If I have a baby, then want another, I then learn exactly what to do to HAVE a baby, I realized what worked for me the time before.--with intangible life wishes, you have to do this- this is the only way for one to measure.

-For now, all those wishes seem so far away so immeasurable... Sometimes I think- "don't think about it" and it will happen...STOP giving up- but all the negative thoughts from others run through my head like a hall monitor in a middle school--- one of the annoying ones that gets you every time...one the hall monitors that won't even let you poke your head out the door or get a taste of that cold water from the fountain....that hall monitor that needs to be fired- and she says "well, cut your portion sizes...it worked for me, maybe you need to be positive and God will bless you with a child, maybe if you go to they gym...., give up this, give up that, sabotage yourself by looking at smaller clothes or better pictures of yourself... stop making excuses...just do it, we are all tired of hearing about it..." I sometimes wish I could fire the hall monitor, but I am just a "student" and I can't. I am just ignorant, especially when it comes to my wishes. I cannot imagine them coming true...so I kind of, well, give up. The hole inside is much easier filled with food than a baby or buying a size 8 pant...because the food, I can touch, it is instant-- the baby---no...

-Well then I have to ask myself, maybe you don't really want it then? But just as I typed those words....I realized they weren't my words- that was that controlling hall monitor trying to control me....and I think she really hates her job---(you know those people, that hate their job, they make everyone else miserable) yep- she is one of those---

-On a positive note, instead of giving up, I should "just keep swimming, swimming, swimming...just keep swimming..." and maybe one day I will learn what to do to make my dreams, my reality. And on an even MORE positive note---I fired my Hall Monitor! Go ahead, fire your Hall Monitor too- it felt really REALLY good! She didn't deserve working for ME anyway!