April 22-28 is National Infertility Awareness Week. I hope you'll join me and many others this week as we try to help raise awareness for infertility.
It’s here. National Infertility Awareness Week and I have been battling with my feelings all month. The truth is—I have been battling with my infertility voice on my blog too. This last cycle we were pretty convinced we were pregnant. I had implantation bleeding, and all of the simptoms, even a late period. I was dreaming of a December baby that I always wanted, but she didn't show up. Instead her aunt came a week later. After this devistation, I hit my wall, hard. So many days I have wanted to write about something, but for fear of offending someone with the ugliness of infertility- I didn’t. I’ve remained silent for a month and I'm finding some strength now to say how it really feels to be infertile. I'm sorry if you read this and get offended; it is probably because you aren’t me (well, duh you aren't me, but you know what I am saying) and you don’t know how I feel. Infertility is a silent disease that no one talks about—but today, we are talking about it. This week, we are talking about it. I don’t ride roller-coasters, but I'm on this one. I wanted to share with you all my roller-coaster feelings on what I deal with the majority of the time. I want to share with you that if you don’t think you know anyone who struggles, you do. You or someone you know is affected by infertility. They go to sleep most nights in tears, they hold back what they want to say all of the time, they have a lot of feelings that cannot be explained. So, here goes:
What might go through someone’s mind that is infertile?
- I am garbage, damaged goods- if I can’t function as a woman, why would my husband want me?
- I don’t know why I feel like crap today, but I do. And if one more person announces on face book that they are expecting, I might lose it!
- I'm so happy that ______ is expecting; I'm so angry that I'm not. I'm so angry that I'm just going to give up. Why can’t I catch a BREAK? I have been trying for twice as long as she?
- I have no friends. Everyone is busy with their children. I stop everything I am doing for them and their children, but does anyone do that for me? Right then, when I need it most? I'm going to just start pulling back and keeping things inside.
- Please don’t ask me, please don’t ask me, and please don’t ask me- about why I have been married for nearly 6 years and “So, do y'all not want kids, or what? It’s about that time? Why haven’t y'all had them yet?” I mean, first of all, whose business is that of yours? I’ve seen you twice in like 5 years- WHAT I would like to tell you is all the money we have spent trying to conceive, all the doctors’ appointments we have been to, and all of the tears I have shed.
- What should we "do" next? What does my husband really think about me crying all of the time?
- I don't want to take the shots and the hormones and throw-up to find a negative pregnancy test in the end.
- I know you think IVF is the way to go, but unfortunately, I don't believe in it- and I cannot take that 25,000 dollar chance because I am not rich.
- I know you know someone who knows someone who got pregnant after adoption, but life isn't about magic spells, and that is not what I hope to do, just so that my life turns out like that?
- No, I'm sorry, I cannot bear to go to another baby shower where I everyone is pregnant except me and the mother of the expectant.
- No, I'm not pregnant, just bloated because I'm on medication that does that to me and I just had a wand up me for 30 minutes.
- I can't drink, I might be pregnant.
- I can't go to the gym, my blastocyst might be traveling right now.
- I think I will find other things to do than worry about this (I mean, you can only re-organize your cabinets so many times- so thank goodness my parents are paying for my graduate degree)
- I totally don't understand, I'm not a parent, I am sure you are busy- (welcome to everyone else's life)
- I want to drive to the beach, cry all day, scream as loud as possible, then drive home.
- I am not sure I can plaster a smile on one more day!
- I'm kind of glad I don't have kids today, so I can sleep in.
- Who loves damaged goods?
- How can all these people get pregnant, and I am constantly faithful with nothing in return.
- I have it all planned out, how I am going to tell my husband, family, friends, and co-workers-- It hurts when what I want to happen, never does.
- If all of my blood work shows that I should be pregnant, why am I still not? I don't think I can bare this type of cycle again.
What might someone do along their infertile journey?
Now What? How can others help, and not hurt (because they really do not mean to)
Infertility can spur up very ill feelings. Most of the time, you have to understand, they are uncontrollable feelings that make you sick to think about even having, but the truth is, when you have the desire to be a parent and you cannot possibly achieve it, it seems like the entire world is on pause. Most don’t get it and say hurtful things that they don't mean. Some people try to get it, but they don’t or forget about your pain, when they are successful on the journey. Few people actually get it. I have put up some links, and I hope that you will visit them!
For help with infertility and to read other people’s journey, click here
Before posting today This blogger had stolen my words in beautiful way. Check her out. She is really great!
I'm leaving you with my feelings wrapped up in this video...