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The Inside of the Outside

  • When one stuffs emotions they know there is only so much room. Eventually, it all has to come up- for me that is figurative, in writing- but sometimes it is literal, with my heart burn- literally heart burn when I am stressed (OUCH- gotta love those TUMS). Writing for me, is a "purging of emotions"-- a healing of the soul. On the outside, I am happy and fabulous. For the most part, I have an "easy" life-- where everything is great (not perfect-- who am I kidding) and it goes just my way. Inside it's a tornado. A whirlwind of emotions that get stuffed down day after day. It's is a war between the heart and the mind. A difficulty. A confusion.

  • Outside, I am "put together." Inside, I am falling a part. Outside, I smile. Inside, I forgot how to. Outside, I control everything. Inside, everything controls me. Outside, I know who I am. Inside, I am still searching. Outside, I am intelligent and can manage all things. Inside, I know nothing and can't do two things at once. On the outside, It's sunny. On the inside, It's a rainy day. Outside, I am the life of the party. Inside, I am the party of one.

  • On the outside I take control like this "It is MY blog. MY feelings. This blog is MY healing process. Let it be" On the inside, I lose control like this, "I am too scared to write on MY blog about MY feelings and talk about MY healing process." It is then that I realize, on the outside I am a writer, and on the inside, I have nothing to say.


It is What it Is.

As I was reminded yesterday, "In life we have many chapters." For some reason I find comfort in comparing my life to non life- and as I typed that I realized that I've compared my life before to books, to chapters, caterpillars, and to butterflies-- all of which are a form of life --fantasy or real-- all of which are things that have "chapters" or natural progression. After having my eye on a new book, the first thing I do is smell it, feel it, flip through it. After reading it sometime- I progress- chapter by chapter. It doesn't necessarily mean I can't go back to a previous one. As does everyone else, when I read a novel, I read chronologically, then when I pick up on a theme I'll go back and re-read that theme into a previously read chapter- searching for the hints and clues. It's my style. I like to be able to deconstruct things. I habitually over-analyze my thoughts so I can be sure of myself. I like to be able to go back and see things the second time that I didn't the first. Sometimes new chapters can be scary. You aren't really sure how the book will end- where it will turn, when it will stop, why it continues- but what I do know is this- you can't put it down. You aren't done until you are done. It takes up your energy, your time, and all the quiet in your mind fills up. You might even check out other novels by that author since you like their style. You get "stuck." Your focus on one thing makes everything else in your life unfocused. I was later reminded yesterday that those feelings are "organized chaos"- to make it easy on yourself, go with the confusion; it "comfortable-uncomfortableness" Even though you don't understand it--love it (it isn't permanent) -- it's organized chaos.


Sweet Sounds of Silence

I walked in. I was crying for her; she was crying for me. It was a heart felt moment. Something I had never gone through. This moment will be in my top 5 all time memorable moments of my life. As I stood outside of Room 319, I heard screams, then crying, and then... He was here; M_____. I had been preparing myself for my best friend to have her baby, for nearly 10 months...but nothing can prepare you for the feeling of LIFE. Nothing can describe the feeling in my heart as I walked in the room and looked. She was there, holding her new, perfect baby. When I looked into my best friends eyes, I could read her heart. It was 30 seconds of unspoken tears that connected us. 30 seconds of looking into each other, without saying one word, but clearly speaking to one another. It was 30 seconds of happiness and 30 seconds of sadness. It was 30 seconds of a feeling I have never felt before. It was 30 seconds of feeling like we were the only two in the room sharing this moment. My best friend had just had her baby boy. Of course every fiber of my being was excited. But in that very moment...she was crying and I was crying. I felt like we could read each other's minds. I felt like she was saying, "I am so relieved he is finally here. I know how much you want a baby and I love you for being here today to hear him when he took his first breath- you will have this moment in your life one day, I know it-- I am scared to death to be a mom, and I love you as a friend so very much. I am sorry you are hurting within your happiness." And I was saying, "I am so relieved he is here! You have just brought this new, beautiful boy to life and you are going to be a wonderful mother. I know you love him with all your being and I am so excited for you. I am scared to death that one day I won't get to feel how it feels to become a mother I love you as a friend , so very much. I am sorry you had to endure so much pain today." The unspoken tears of that moment were indescribable. It is a feeling that another friend calls, "happy-sad" a feeling that is confusing. Worries and wonders filled up my head and although I tried to drain them, my drain was clogged. What happens when your drain is clogged? Nothing will go down. Nothing is settled even though every fiber of your being wants them to drain. Your head and your heart are confused, and the feeling is somewhere lodged "in your throat" as another friend describes. The feeling of being to scared to tell God how you really feel, makes you sick at your stomach. And I dream of it leaving. I have compared it many times before to a "partly cloudy day" it seems on those days the sun can never make up its mind- does it want to shine like it should, or hide behind a comfy cloud? I love my friend. I love M_____. But this new experience has my feelings in my heart and in my brain all confused! One day, I'll figure it out. Until then, I have a friend with a new baby and I am going to enjoy every minute of it, even if the Devil tries to clog my drain. M____ was 8lbs 12 oz 21 inches long. He is a spitting image of his daddy (except for that nose, which is his Momma's) and will be FOREVER a part of my life. More pictures to come, unfortunately I haven't gotten to hold him but for about 3 minutes because y'all know how babies are: feed, sleep, poop- repeat! Hopefully soon I can "get my baby fix!"


GIRL! Let Me Tell You!

  • Okay peeps. Let me TELL you what ticked me off this weekend. Well, first off- I will NEVER, NEVER, never go to Chili's Bar & Grill -- EVER again (in my entire life). Conveniently Hubbs and I have a Chili's about 5-6 miles from where we live, and we used to go often and haven't been since I started WW. So, Saturday after weigh in, I hadn't seen the hubbs in a few days due to work and we decided to go there.
  • Yea.....ummmm have you ever seen their Nutrition Facts? Why don't you go ahead and look up what you would normally eat at Chili's and you probably WILL NEVER go back! click here:
  • So. I know on WW that you must PLAN to be successful, however we went on a whim and I decided to order the big mouth bites- (mini cheese burgers) so....yea- THANK GOD I only ate 1/2 (2 small burgers)! According to the nutrition facts, an entire plate with ranch-- which I didn't have, and (I don't know if the fries were counted in the points value) but it was all 50 points and look at the FAT in all of their items! YES 4 burgers fries included, again I am not sure, but it came to 50 points! W.O.W.
  • I ate 2 without ranch and no FF. I counted the two burgers for 20 points. DO YOU KNOW WHAT I COULD EAT FOR 20????? HELLO!!! So, Girl, let me tell YOU~ and anybody else out there reading my blog-- STAY THE HECK away from Chili's Bar & Grill.


I Love the 80's-- WW update

  • Whoop Whoop! That's right people--- I am offically in the 180s! I reached my goal of 188 this week. Here is what worked this week:
  • FIRST : I set goals and wrote them on the refrigerator--- Last week I weighed in at 191.6- so this week I decided to PUSH myself and set the goal of 188. I didnt care if it was 188.9 (if it said 188 on the scale I was going to get a pedicure this weekend) I weighed in on Friday just to see, and sure enough- 188.8- so lets see if I can continue to drop!
  • SECOND: I exercised- almost every day--- including the walking I'm going to do tonight, I will have exercised 6 days this week- AND THAT'S GREAT!
  • THIRD: I made a promse to myself that I would only eat 1/2 of my 49 FLEX points (infact, I have 29 flex points left and 20 activity points) So I did BETTER than what I promised.
  • FOURTH- I took my Metformin EVERY DAY :)
  • Overall, I was more concious of my eating habits. If I splurged at lunch, then I ate Special K for dinner. If I was hungry, I asked myself the age old WW question, "Could you eat a can a green beans?" If the answer was YES, then I ate what I wanted. I also lived by this Bethenney Frankel Quote--"You can have it all, just not all at once."